I recently read a quote that caught my attention:
“The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences.”
Scripture compares the tongue to fire of which a small spark can set ablaze an entire forest. We have all spoken words that we wish we could pull back into our mouths. It reminds me of the Harry Potter character, Hagrid, who is known for blurting out too much information and afterward realizing, “I shouldn’t have said that.”
Do you ever feel that way in your marriage?
I shouldn’t have said that . . . to my spouse.
I shouldn’t have said that . . . about my spouse.
I shouldn’t have said that . . . with so much negativity.
The things people say (or don’t say) have the power to determine the life or death of their marriage. Healthy couples are those that practice the following in the area of communication:
They share their feelings with one another
They listen to one another in a way that demonstrates understanding and care
They ask for what they want
They do not refuse to discuss difficult issues
They do not make comments that put one another down
When we communicate in these ways, it brings life to our marriage. One characteristic of a happy couple is feeling satisfied with their communication and conflict resolution. When couples fail to communicate well, their relationship suffers and is much more susceptible to break-up or divorce. Often, the biggest challenge is keeping the tongue in check, and simply being a good listener. It really does not take much to derail a conversation and turn it from a productive life-giving experience into something negative or damaging.
Listen twice as much as you speak. When you speak, share life-giving words. This way, you'll greatly lessen the amount of times you think, "I shouldn't have said that."
Monday, November 28, 2011
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
watching how you think
Can you imagine a time your spouse says or does something that you find incredibly hurtful? Whether or not he or she meant to hurt you is one thing. How you choose to think about it is everything. Most of us react more to our interpretation of what was said than to what our spouse meant and actually did say.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
paying attention
From Fighting For Your Marriage - Revised ed. page 94
There are a number of brain functions that are all governed by the same part of the brain. Psychologists call these executive functions, as they have to do with your ability to control your focus, behavior, and follow-through. They include such things as focusing, resisting temptation, delaying gratification, and making decisions. A number of researchers, such as Kathleen Vohs at the University of Minnesota and Roy Baumeister at Florida State University, have shown that these executive functions are a limited resource: when you have to work to keep it together doing one thing, you will have a harder time, shortly thereafter, doing as well if what follows also requires those executive functions.
How is this relevant [in marriage]? Let's say you've had a difficult day at work (or at home). Perhaps you have an annoying coworker or customer who drives you nuts, and you have to work hard not to lash out. Or maybe it's just a day when you've had to make a zillion decisions. The part of your brain that governs these tasks will be pooped out. That means it will be extra hard that evening to pay good attention to your partner - or anyone else, for that matter. Does that mean that you should just go sit in a cave somewhere and ask your partner to wait until your executive functions are refreshed? Probably not the best idea.
You cannot always lower the stress of a day, and you often can't shirk responsibilities at home or work that wear you down. What you can do is let your partner know when it's been a really tough day. You can also work on being more aware of when you are depleted, and try extra hard at those times to give your partner some focused attention before you crash.
There are a number of brain functions that are all governed by the same part of the brain. Psychologists call these executive functions, as they have to do with your ability to control your focus, behavior, and follow-through. They include such things as focusing, resisting temptation, delaying gratification, and making decisions. A number of researchers, such as Kathleen Vohs at the University of Minnesota and Roy Baumeister at Florida State University, have shown that these executive functions are a limited resource: when you have to work to keep it together doing one thing, you will have a harder time, shortly thereafter, doing as well if what follows also requires those executive functions.
How is this relevant [in marriage]? Let's say you've had a difficult day at work (or at home). Perhaps you have an annoying coworker or customer who drives you nuts, and you have to work hard not to lash out. Or maybe it's just a day when you've had to make a zillion decisions. The part of your brain that governs these tasks will be pooped out. That means it will be extra hard that evening to pay good attention to your partner - or anyone else, for that matter. Does that mean that you should just go sit in a cave somewhere and ask your partner to wait until your executive functions are refreshed? Probably not the best idea.
You cannot always lower the stress of a day, and you often can't shirk responsibilities at home or work that wear you down. What you can do is let your partner know when it's been a really tough day. You can also work on being more aware of when you are depleted, and try extra hard at those times to give your partner some focused attention before you crash.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
hearing from the Lord
Husbands and wives hear differently from the Lord. We were created differently, we have different roles and responsibilities, and a woman has a different sensitivity to the Lord than that of a man. Therefore, we need to humbly, and adamantly, learn to listen to one another. We need to listen better to our spouse. The Lord continues to speak to and through your spouse. Missing that which the Lord is saying is perhaps not the result of your spouse's poor communication, but your poor attentiveness.
Monday, May 17, 2010
praying with your spouse
The concept of living a “life of prayer” is one of those spiritual clichés that sound good and holy but we do not really know how to do it. Sure, there are people who pray before every meal, before they go to bed, and perhaps when something comes up in which spiritual guidance is necessary. But living a life of prayer is more than praying for our Lucky Charms, our hopes for tomorrow, and our need to be rescued from bad situations.
If we make an attempt to define prayer, we may begin with the idea of having a conversation with God. From this starting point, we would conclude the first person to ever pray was Adam in the Garden of Eden, and soon after him was Eve. For Adam and Eve walked with God in the garden in the cool of the day and they conversed with one another (Genesis 2:15-17, 3:8). Unfortunately, Adam and Eve invited sin to join the conversation, but sin cannot be in the presence of God. The result of dining with sin was dismissal of Adam and Eve, along with humankind, from walking in the presence of God. But praise be to God that Jesus Christ was sent to create a bridge between humankind and God so that those who have faith in Jesus Christ and live obediently to the Word can once again walk with God in the garden in the cool of the day.
So, what does it mean to live a life of prayer? I believe it means living our lives with the understanding that we are walking with God. Though we are unable to see God, our Lord is there. Though we do not hear God audibly, at least not always, God speaks to us. And though we do not always think about it, God is listening to everything we say and knows all of our thoughts. Whether we acknowledge it or not, we are constantly in the presence of God. Therefore, to live a life of prayer is to acknowledge God is with us and to be intentional about talking with God about our day, including our thoughts, our hopes, our anxieties, and everything else! In the same manner, to live a life of prayer is to listen for God’s voice throughout the day. As we talk to God, we should be listening for God’s wisdom and guidance. As we think about the things we have to do, we ought to think about how we want to ask God to walk beside us in those endeavors. Knowing God is with us makes it very difficult to ignore God. Thus, we acknowledge we speak in the presence of God, and take time to speak and listen to God. This is living a life of prayer.
When we get married, we no longer speak or listen to God alone. We speak and listen to God alongside our spouse and form a complete triad. I remember when I took physics in high school our teacher split us up into groups and we had a special project. Each group had to build a bridge with limited materials consisting of 100 grams of rectangular balsa stock (very cheap and weak pieces of wood) and glue. The objective was to make a bridge that could hold the most amount of weight before reaching its breaking point. In doing the project, we learned that a triangle is the strongest shape. Triangles are structurally the strongest shape because they allow weight to be evenly spread throughout their sides, making them more able to support heavier loads than any other shape. When one side of a triangle is pushed from an exterior force, it cannot bend inward because of its support from the other two sides. Rather, the force of the triangle becomes stronger because each side of the triangle works together to push back against the exterior force.
This is what a marriage built on prayer looks like. Two people must be connected to one another in covenantal love to form the bottom side. However, they must each be connected to God to form the other two sides. In doing so, they become a powerful triangle that cannot be crushed from any exterior force.
Notice in the diagram the husband,
wife, and God form a perfect triangle.
Even though outer forces like
spiritual attack,
miscommunication,
and distrust attempt to
weaken the connection, the
triangle remains sturdy
because each point supports
the other by their connection
to one another. Both the
husband and wife are connected to God and they are connected to one another. When this type of connection takes place in a marriage, it is impossible to be destroyed by any exterior force. This is why a life of prayer with our spouse is so vital. Praying with our spouse is not just a good idea to try. Praying with our spouse is essential for our marriage to survive and thrive. There is a great quote from Will Smith’s character, Robert Neville in the movie I Am Legend. Quoting Bob Marley, Neville says, “The people who are trying to make this world worse are not taking a day off, how can I?” The enemy who is trying to destroy our marriages every day is not taking a day off. How can we? We cannot afford to take a break from prayer in our marriages. We must continually be walking together with our spouse and with the Lord.
So what does this look like? How do we continually talk together with our spouse and with the Lord? How does the metaphor of the triangle work practically in our marriage? I believe we need to make our home a place of worship. Just like we should enter church fellowship with an attitude of worship, we should enter our homes with an attitude of worship. And this is key; the home is not the house or apartment building, just as the church is not the building or sanctuary. Rather, the home is the covenant between husband and wife and the connection between the souls and hearts of each spouse. In that very connection, an attitude of worship needs to exist. When we go to the sanctuary to worship the Lord, we expect to meet with the Lord. We expect to pray, we expect to worship with the band, we expect to fellowship with other believers, and we expect to hear from the Word of God. In the same way, when we meet with our spouse, we should expect to pray, expect to worship together, expect to fellowship with one another, and expect to hear from God with one another. Praying with our spouse is going before the altar together as one flesh.
When Audrey and I were first married, we lived in an ideal place. We had a good-sized condo with two bedrooms and two bathrooms. We decorated our condo to match our personalities. It was familiar, it was comfortable, it was home…or so we initially thought. The honest truth is there were times I did not want to go “home” because it was a chore to me. There were times Audrey did not want to be in the condo because she and I were not in communion with one another. We soon learned that home was not the condo. Home was our connection to one another and with the Lord. If that connection was damaged, the building we had around us did not matter.
We moved out of the condo in December of 2008. During the first nine months in 2009, Audrey and I moved to 4 different locations. We did not have a house that was ours, but we still had a home, because home is our connection to one another and the Lord. Though we lived in somewhat chaotic circumstances, moving, settling, packing and moving again, we were at peace because we had a solid relationship with one another and each one of us had a strong relationship with the Lord. I believe we needed to learn this valuable lesson because there will be a time when Audrey and I have our own house that is beautiful with a lot of rooms and “stuff.” But that house will never be our home. It will merely be the physical location in which we live.
Lastly, the physical location in which we live needs to be a place of worship. Just like the sanctuary in a church building, our living areas need to be a place where we pray, worship, and fellowship with our spouse and the Lord. When we think of our living areas in such a way, we will be excited to be there. We will be intentional about inviting the Lord to join us for meals. We will acknowledge that the Lord is present in our planning. We will have peace when we face troubles of any kind. We will live a life of prayer with our spouse because we will continually walk with the Lord in every aspect of our interaction with our spouse. This makes arguing less frequent. When we have a disagreement with our spouse, we invite the Lord to be present as we work things out. For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them (Matthew 18:18).
Therefore, in everything we do, let us pray together with our spouse and invite the Lord to be present with us. Invite the Lord to be with you in your car when you and your spouse go out. Invite the Lord to dine with you at the table when you eat. Invite the Lord to give you counsel and guidance when you are working things out. Invite the Lord to give you wisdom when you make plans. Invite the Lord to continually watch over you and your household. Ask the Lord to keep you pure and holy in your thoughts and actions so you are always honoring one another. Above all, do life and Kingdom work together as one under the One Lord, Jesus Christ.
If we make an attempt to define prayer, we may begin with the idea of having a conversation with God. From this starting point, we would conclude the first person to ever pray was Adam in the Garden of Eden, and soon after him was Eve. For Adam and Eve walked with God in the garden in the cool of the day and they conversed with one another (Genesis 2:15-17, 3:8). Unfortunately, Adam and Eve invited sin to join the conversation, but sin cannot be in the presence of God. The result of dining with sin was dismissal of Adam and Eve, along with humankind, from walking in the presence of God. But praise be to God that Jesus Christ was sent to create a bridge between humankind and God so that those who have faith in Jesus Christ and live obediently to the Word can once again walk with God in the garden in the cool of the day.
So, what does it mean to live a life of prayer? I believe it means living our lives with the understanding that we are walking with God. Though we are unable to see God, our Lord is there. Though we do not hear God audibly, at least not always, God speaks to us. And though we do not always think about it, God is listening to everything we say and knows all of our thoughts. Whether we acknowledge it or not, we are constantly in the presence of God. Therefore, to live a life of prayer is to acknowledge God is with us and to be intentional about talking with God about our day, including our thoughts, our hopes, our anxieties, and everything else! In the same manner, to live a life of prayer is to listen for God’s voice throughout the day. As we talk to God, we should be listening for God’s wisdom and guidance. As we think about the things we have to do, we ought to think about how we want to ask God to walk beside us in those endeavors. Knowing God is with us makes it very difficult to ignore God. Thus, we acknowledge we speak in the presence of God, and take time to speak and listen to God. This is living a life of prayer.
When we get married, we no longer speak or listen to God alone. We speak and listen to God alongside our spouse and form a complete triad. I remember when I took physics in high school our teacher split us up into groups and we had a special project. Each group had to build a bridge with limited materials consisting of 100 grams of rectangular balsa stock (very cheap and weak pieces of wood) and glue. The objective was to make a bridge that could hold the most amount of weight before reaching its breaking point. In doing the project, we learned that a triangle is the strongest shape. Triangles are structurally the strongest shape because they allow weight to be evenly spread throughout their sides, making them more able to support heavier loads than any other shape. When one side of a triangle is pushed from an exterior force, it cannot bend inward because of its support from the other two sides. Rather, the force of the triangle becomes stronger because each side of the triangle works together to push back against the exterior force.
This is what a marriage built on prayer looks like. Two people must be connected to one another in covenantal love to form the bottom side. However, they must each be connected to God to form the other two sides. In doing so, they become a powerful triangle that cannot be crushed from any exterior force.
Notice in the diagram the husband,
wife, and God form a perfect triangle.
Even though outer forces like
spiritual attack,
miscommunication,
and distrust attempt to
weaken the connection, the
triangle remains sturdy
because each point supports
the other by their connection
to one another. Both the
husband and wife are connected to God and they are connected to one another. When this type of connection takes place in a marriage, it is impossible to be destroyed by any exterior force. This is why a life of prayer with our spouse is so vital. Praying with our spouse is not just a good idea to try. Praying with our spouse is essential for our marriage to survive and thrive. There is a great quote from Will Smith’s character, Robert Neville in the movie I Am Legend. Quoting Bob Marley, Neville says, “The people who are trying to make this world worse are not taking a day off, how can I?” The enemy who is trying to destroy our marriages every day is not taking a day off. How can we? We cannot afford to take a break from prayer in our marriages. We must continually be walking together with our spouse and with the Lord.
So what does this look like? How do we continually talk together with our spouse and with the Lord? How does the metaphor of the triangle work practically in our marriage? I believe we need to make our home a place of worship. Just like we should enter church fellowship with an attitude of worship, we should enter our homes with an attitude of worship. And this is key; the home is not the house or apartment building, just as the church is not the building or sanctuary. Rather, the home is the covenant between husband and wife and the connection between the souls and hearts of each spouse. In that very connection, an attitude of worship needs to exist. When we go to the sanctuary to worship the Lord, we expect to meet with the Lord. We expect to pray, we expect to worship with the band, we expect to fellowship with other believers, and we expect to hear from the Word of God. In the same way, when we meet with our spouse, we should expect to pray, expect to worship together, expect to fellowship with one another, and expect to hear from God with one another. Praying with our spouse is going before the altar together as one flesh.
When Audrey and I were first married, we lived in an ideal place. We had a good-sized condo with two bedrooms and two bathrooms. We decorated our condo to match our personalities. It was familiar, it was comfortable, it was home…or so we initially thought. The honest truth is there were times I did not want to go “home” because it was a chore to me. There were times Audrey did not want to be in the condo because she and I were not in communion with one another. We soon learned that home was not the condo. Home was our connection to one another and with the Lord. If that connection was damaged, the building we had around us did not matter.
We moved out of the condo in December of 2008. During the first nine months in 2009, Audrey and I moved to 4 different locations. We did not have a house that was ours, but we still had a home, because home is our connection to one another and the Lord. Though we lived in somewhat chaotic circumstances, moving, settling, packing and moving again, we were at peace because we had a solid relationship with one another and each one of us had a strong relationship with the Lord. I believe we needed to learn this valuable lesson because there will be a time when Audrey and I have our own house that is beautiful with a lot of rooms and “stuff.” But that house will never be our home. It will merely be the physical location in which we live.
Lastly, the physical location in which we live needs to be a place of worship. Just like the sanctuary in a church building, our living areas need to be a place where we pray, worship, and fellowship with our spouse and the Lord. When we think of our living areas in such a way, we will be excited to be there. We will be intentional about inviting the Lord to join us for meals. We will acknowledge that the Lord is present in our planning. We will have peace when we face troubles of any kind. We will live a life of prayer with our spouse because we will continually walk with the Lord in every aspect of our interaction with our spouse. This makes arguing less frequent. When we have a disagreement with our spouse, we invite the Lord to be present as we work things out. For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them (Matthew 18:18).
Therefore, in everything we do, let us pray together with our spouse and invite the Lord to be present with us. Invite the Lord to be with you in your car when you and your spouse go out. Invite the Lord to dine with you at the table when you eat. Invite the Lord to give you counsel and guidance when you are working things out. Invite the Lord to give you wisdom when you make plans. Invite the Lord to continually watch over you and your household. Ask the Lord to keep you pure and holy in your thoughts and actions so you are always honoring one another. Above all, do life and Kingdom work together as one under the One Lord, Jesus Christ.
Monday, May 3, 2010
keeping happiness in your marriage
As a Pre-Marital counselor I get to see the joy all newly engaged couples as they meet with me in my office. I have a good friend who got engaged a few weeks ago. No one can miss the smile on her face, it lights up the room. It's contagious. It shows happiness of being in love.
If you have been married for a while now, here is my question...Do you remember those days? Can you remember the smile you had on your face when she said yes or when he asked you to marry him? Do you remember the smile you wore when you were first married? Remember “back in the day” when the happiness in your marriage was contagious to all your friends and family?
Life rolls forward at a quick rate, though, doesn't it? Jobs happen. Kids happen. Stress happens. How do you keep the happy in your marriage? Take some time, don't wait for time to happen, take it and remember the good times – then recreate them with your spouse.
Go to the beach and splash each other in the waves. Go to the movies and throw popcorn at each other. Recreate your first date (which for me involved going on a walk, getting sushi, and talking for hours). Whatever you do – make the time, spend the money, and give your spouse a happy trip down the memory lane of your marriage. This is how you will keep happiness in your marriage. This is how your marriage will survive and thrive.
If you have been married for a while now, here is my question...Do you remember those days? Can you remember the smile you had on your face when she said yes or when he asked you to marry him? Do you remember the smile you wore when you were first married? Remember “back in the day” when the happiness in your marriage was contagious to all your friends and family?
Life rolls forward at a quick rate, though, doesn't it? Jobs happen. Kids happen. Stress happens. How do you keep the happy in your marriage? Take some time, don't wait for time to happen, take it and remember the good times – then recreate them with your spouse.
Go to the beach and splash each other in the waves. Go to the movies and throw popcorn at each other. Recreate your first date (which for me involved going on a walk, getting sushi, and talking for hours). Whatever you do – make the time, spend the money, and give your spouse a happy trip down the memory lane of your marriage. This is how you will keep happiness in your marriage. This is how your marriage will survive and thrive.
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