Monday, May 17, 2010

praying with your spouse

The concept of living a “life of prayer” is one of those spiritual clichés that sound good and holy but we do not really know how to do it. Sure, there are people who pray before every meal, before they go to bed, and perhaps when something comes up in which spiritual guidance is necessary. But living a life of prayer is more than praying for our Lucky Charms, our hopes for tomorrow, and our need to be rescued from bad situations.

If we make an attempt to define prayer, we may begin with the idea of having a conversation with God. From this starting point, we would conclude the first person to ever pray was Adam in the Garden of Eden, and soon after him was Eve. For Adam and Eve walked with God in the garden in the cool of the day and they conversed with one another (Genesis 2:15-17, 3:8). Unfortunately, Adam and Eve invited sin to join the conversation, but sin cannot be in the presence of God. The result of dining with sin was dismissal of Adam and Eve, along with humankind, from walking in the presence of God. But praise be to God that Jesus Christ was sent to create a bridge between humankind and God so that those who have faith in Jesus Christ and live obediently to the Word can once again walk with God in the garden in the cool of the day.

So, what does it mean to live a life of prayer? I believe it means living our lives with the understanding that we are walking with God. Though we are unable to see God, our Lord is there. Though we do not hear God audibly, at least not always, God speaks to us. And though we do not always think about it, God is listening to everything we say and knows all of our thoughts. Whether we acknowledge it or not, we are constantly in the presence of God. Therefore, to live a life of prayer is to acknowledge God is with us and to be intentional about talking with God about our day, including our thoughts, our hopes, our anxieties, and everything else! In the same manner, to live a life of prayer is to listen for God’s voice throughout the day. As we talk to God, we should be listening for God’s wisdom and guidance. As we think about the things we have to do, we ought to think about how we want to ask God to walk beside us in those endeavors. Knowing God is with us makes it very difficult to ignore God. Thus, we acknowledge we speak in the presence of God, and take time to speak and listen to God. This is living a life of prayer.

When we get married, we no longer speak or listen to God alone. We speak and listen to God alongside our spouse and form a complete triad. I remember when I took physics in high school our teacher split us up into groups and we had a special project. Each group had to build a bridge with limited materials consisting of 100 grams of rectangular balsa stock (very cheap and weak pieces of wood) and glue. The objective was to make a bridge that could hold the most amount of weight before reaching its breaking point. In doing the project, we learned that a triangle is the strongest shape. Triangles are structurally the strongest shape because they allow weight to be evenly spread throughout their sides, making them more able to support heavier loads than any other shape. When one side of a triangle is pushed from an exterior force, it cannot bend inward because of its support from the other two sides. Rather, the force of the triangle becomes stronger because each side of the triangle works together to push back against the exterior force.

This is what a marriage built on prayer looks like. Two people must be connected to one another in covenantal love to form the bottom side. However, they must each be connected to God to form the other two sides. In doing so, they become a powerful triangle that cannot be crushed from any exterior force.


Notice in the diagram the husband,
wife, and God form a perfect triangle.
Even though outer forces like
spiritual attack,
miscommunication,
and distrust attempt to
weaken the connection, the
triangle remains sturdy
because each point supports
the other by their connection
to one another. Both the
husband and wife are connected to God and they are connected to one another. When this type of connection takes place in a marriage, it is impossible to be destroyed by any exterior force. This is why a life of prayer with our spouse is so vital. Praying with our spouse is not just a good idea to try. Praying with our spouse is essential for our marriage to survive and thrive. There is a great quote from Will Smith’s character, Robert Neville in the movie I Am Legend. Quoting Bob Marley, Neville says, “The people who are trying to make this world worse are not taking a day off, how can I?” The enemy who is trying to destroy our marriages every day is not taking a day off. How can we? We cannot afford to take a break from prayer in our marriages. We must continually be walking together with our spouse and with the Lord.

So what does this look like? How do we continually talk together with our spouse and with the Lord? How does the metaphor of the triangle work practically in our marriage? I believe we need to make our home a place of worship. Just like we should enter church fellowship with an attitude of worship, we should enter our homes with an attitude of worship. And this is key; the home is not the house or apartment building, just as the church is not the building or sanctuary. Rather, the home is the covenant between husband and wife and the connection between the souls and hearts of each spouse. In that very connection, an attitude of worship needs to exist. When we go to the sanctuary to worship the Lord, we expect to meet with the Lord. We expect to pray, we expect to worship with the band, we expect to fellowship with other believers, and we expect to hear from the Word of God. In the same way, when we meet with our spouse, we should expect to pray, expect to worship together, expect to fellowship with one another, and expect to hear from God with one another. Praying with our spouse is going before the altar together as one flesh.

When Audrey and I were first married, we lived in an ideal place. We had a good-sized condo with two bedrooms and two bathrooms. We decorated our condo to match our personalities. It was familiar, it was comfortable, it was home…or so we initially thought. The honest truth is there were times I did not want to go “home” because it was a chore to me. There were times Audrey did not want to be in the condo because she and I were not in communion with one another. We soon learned that home was not the condo. Home was our connection to one another and with the Lord. If that connection was damaged, the building we had around us did not matter.

We moved out of the condo in December of 2008. During the first nine months in 2009, Audrey and I moved to 4 different locations. We did not have a house that was ours, but we still had a home, because home is our connection to one another and the Lord. Though we lived in somewhat chaotic circumstances, moving, settling, packing and moving again, we were at peace because we had a solid relationship with one another and each one of us had a strong relationship with the Lord. I believe we needed to learn this valuable lesson because there will be a time when Audrey and I have our own house that is beautiful with a lot of rooms and “stuff.” But that house will never be our home. It will merely be the physical location in which we live.

Lastly, the physical location in which we live needs to be a place of worship. Just like the sanctuary in a church building, our living areas need to be a place where we pray, worship, and fellowship with our spouse and the Lord. When we think of our living areas in such a way, we will be excited to be there. We will be intentional about inviting the Lord to join us for meals. We will acknowledge that the Lord is present in our planning. We will have peace when we face troubles of any kind. We will live a life of prayer with our spouse because we will continually walk with the Lord in every aspect of our interaction with our spouse. This makes arguing less frequent. When we have a disagreement with our spouse, we invite the Lord to be present as we work things out. For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them (Matthew 18:18).

Therefore, in everything we do, let us pray together with our spouse and invite the Lord to be present with us. Invite the Lord to be with you in your car when you and your spouse go out. Invite the Lord to dine with you at the table when you eat. Invite the Lord to give you counsel and guidance when you are working things out. Invite the Lord to give you wisdom when you make plans. Invite the Lord to continually watch over you and your household. Ask the Lord to keep you pure and holy in your thoughts and actions so you are always honoring one another. Above all, do life and Kingdom work together as one under the One Lord, Jesus Christ.

Monday, May 3, 2010

keeping happiness in your marriage

As a Pre-Marital counselor I get to see the joy all newly engaged couples as they meet with me in my office. I have a good friend who got engaged a few weeks ago. No one can miss the smile on her face, it lights up the room. It's contagious. It shows happiness of being in love.

If you have been married for a while now, here is my question...Do you remember those days? Can you remember the smile you had on your face when she said yes or when he asked you to marry him? Do you remember the smile you wore when you were first married? Remember “back in the day” when the happiness in your marriage was contagious to all your friends and family?

Life rolls forward at a quick rate, though, doesn't it? Jobs happen. Kids happen. Stress happens. How do you keep the happy in your marriage? Take some time, don't wait for time to happen, take it and remember the good times – then recreate them with your spouse.

Go to the beach and splash each other in the waves. Go to the movies and throw popcorn at each other. Recreate your first date (which for me involved going on a walk, getting sushi, and talking for hours). Whatever you do – make the time, spend the money, and give your spouse a happy trip down the memory lane of your marriage. This is how you will keep happiness in your marriage. This is how your marriage will survive and thrive.