steps to forgiveness

As two people in a covenant with one another, a married couple is required to offer forgiveness. Sometimes, even though the person who caused the offense may have genuinely asked for forgiveness, the person offended must go through a process before forgiveness can be complete - in this case forgiveness begins with the offended seeking healing and grace from God. The offended person must be filled to overflowing and out of the overflow of God's grace get to a place in his or her heart where they can genuinely let go of any negative emotions as a result of the offense and release the offender from their debt. On a side note, this does not mean the offended person is required to put him or herself in a position to be hurt again by the offender, nor does it take away the responsibility of the offender to own up to his or her actions to seek forgiveness (this is in the case the offender is unwilling to admit to the offense or seek forgiveness).

The following are two helpful lists I found from the book Fighting for your Marriage. I have used this book to lead our marriage group, and use it in my pre-marital counseling sessions. The first list deals with regaining trust, the second with the process of forgiveness.

Regaining Trust
1. Trust builds slowly over time: "Trust builds as you gain confidence in someone being there for you. Deep trust comes only fro seeing that your partner is there fore you over time."
2. Trust has the greatest chance to be rebuilt when each partner takes appropriate responsibility: "It's easier to trust when you can clearly see your partner's dedication to you."

Steps to Forgiveness
1. Schedule a couple meeting for discussing the specific issue related to forgiveness
2. Set the agenda to work on the issue in question
3. Fully explore the pain and concerns related to the issue for both of you
4. The offender asks for forgiveness
5. The offended agrees to forgive
6. If applicable, the offender makes a positive commitment to change recurrent patterns or attitudes that give offense
7. Expect it to take time

Final note:
Do NOT forget...you must forgive yourself too