I recently read a quote that caught my attention:
“The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences.”
Scripture compares the tongue to fire of which a small spark can set ablaze an entire forest. We have all spoken words that we wish we could pull back into our mouths. It reminds me of the Harry Potter character, Hagrid, who is known for blurting out too much information and afterward realizing, “I shouldn’t have said that.”
Do you ever feel that way in your marriage?
I shouldn’t have said that . . . to my spouse.
I shouldn’t have said that . . . about my spouse.
I shouldn’t have said that . . . with so much negativity.
The things people say (or don’t say) have the power to determine the life or death of their marriage. Healthy couples are those that practice the following in the area of communication:
They share their feelings with one another
They listen to one another in a way that demonstrates understanding and care
They ask for what they want
They do not refuse to discuss difficult issues
They do not make comments that put one another down
When we communicate in these ways, it brings life to our marriage. One characteristic of a happy couple is feeling satisfied with their communication and conflict resolution. When couples fail to communicate well, their relationship suffers and is much more susceptible to break-up or divorce. Often, the biggest challenge is keeping the tongue in check, and simply being a good listener. It really does not take much to derail a conversation and turn it from a productive life-giving experience into something negative or damaging.
Listen twice as much as you speak. When you speak, share life-giving words. This way, you'll greatly lessen the amount of times you think, "I shouldn't have said that."
Monday, November 28, 2011
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
watching how you think
Can you imagine a time your spouse says or does something that you find incredibly hurtful? Whether or not he or she meant to hurt you is one thing. How you choose to think about it is everything. Most of us react more to our interpretation of what was said than to what our spouse meant and actually did say.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
paying attention
From Fighting For Your Marriage - Revised ed. page 94
There are a number of brain functions that are all governed by the same part of the brain. Psychologists call these executive functions, as they have to do with your ability to control your focus, behavior, and follow-through. They include such things as focusing, resisting temptation, delaying gratification, and making decisions. A number of researchers, such as Kathleen Vohs at the University of Minnesota and Roy Baumeister at Florida State University, have shown that these executive functions are a limited resource: when you have to work to keep it together doing one thing, you will have a harder time, shortly thereafter, doing as well if what follows also requires those executive functions.
How is this relevant [in marriage]? Let's say you've had a difficult day at work (or at home). Perhaps you have an annoying coworker or customer who drives you nuts, and you have to work hard not to lash out. Or maybe it's just a day when you've had to make a zillion decisions. The part of your brain that governs these tasks will be pooped out. That means it will be extra hard that evening to pay good attention to your partner - or anyone else, for that matter. Does that mean that you should just go sit in a cave somewhere and ask your partner to wait until your executive functions are refreshed? Probably not the best idea.
You cannot always lower the stress of a day, and you often can't shirk responsibilities at home or work that wear you down. What you can do is let your partner know when it's been a really tough day. You can also work on being more aware of when you are depleted, and try extra hard at those times to give your partner some focused attention before you crash.
There are a number of brain functions that are all governed by the same part of the brain. Psychologists call these executive functions, as they have to do with your ability to control your focus, behavior, and follow-through. They include such things as focusing, resisting temptation, delaying gratification, and making decisions. A number of researchers, such as Kathleen Vohs at the University of Minnesota and Roy Baumeister at Florida State University, have shown that these executive functions are a limited resource: when you have to work to keep it together doing one thing, you will have a harder time, shortly thereafter, doing as well if what follows also requires those executive functions.
How is this relevant [in marriage]? Let's say you've had a difficult day at work (or at home). Perhaps you have an annoying coworker or customer who drives you nuts, and you have to work hard not to lash out. Or maybe it's just a day when you've had to make a zillion decisions. The part of your brain that governs these tasks will be pooped out. That means it will be extra hard that evening to pay good attention to your partner - or anyone else, for that matter. Does that mean that you should just go sit in a cave somewhere and ask your partner to wait until your executive functions are refreshed? Probably not the best idea.
You cannot always lower the stress of a day, and you often can't shirk responsibilities at home or work that wear you down. What you can do is let your partner know when it's been a really tough day. You can also work on being more aware of when you are depleted, and try extra hard at those times to give your partner some focused attention before you crash.
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