hearing from the Lord

Husbands and wives hear differently from the Lord. We were created differently, we have different roles and responsibilities, and a woman has a different sensitivity to the Lord than that of a man. Therefore, we need to humbly, and adamantly, learn to listen to one another. We need to listen better to our spouse. The Lord continues to speak to and through your spouse. Missing that which the Lord is saying is perhaps not the result of your spouse's poor communication, but your poor attentiveness.

praying with your spouse

The concept of living a “life of prayer” is one of those spiritual clichés that sound good and holy but we do not really know how to do it. Sure, there are people who pray before every meal, before they go to bed, and perhaps when something comes up in which spiritual guidance is necessary. But living a life of prayer is more than praying for our Lucky Charms, our hopes for tomorrow, and our need to be rescued from bad situations.

If we make an attempt to define prayer, we may begin with the idea of having a conversation with God. From this starting point, we would conclude the first person to ever pray was Adam in the Garden of Eden, and soon after him was Eve. For Adam and Eve walked with God in the garden in the cool of the day and they conversed with one another (Genesis 2:15-17, 3:8). Unfortunately, Adam and Eve invited sin to join the conversation, but sin cannot be in the presence of God. The result of dining with sin was dismissal of Adam and Eve, along with humankind, from walking in the presence of God. But praise be to God that Jesus Christ was sent to create a bridge between humankind and God so that those who have faith in Jesus Christ and live obediently to the Word can once again walk with God in the garden in the cool of the day.

So, what does it mean to live a life of prayer? I believe it means living our lives with the understanding that we are walking with God. Though we are unable to see God, our Lord is there. Though we do not hear God audibly, at least not always, God speaks to us. And though we do not always think about it, God is listening to everything we say and knows all of our thoughts. Whether we acknowledge it or not, we are constantly in the presence of God. Therefore, to live a life of prayer is to acknowledge God is with us and to be intentional about talking with God about our day, including our thoughts, our hopes, our anxieties, and everything else! In the same manner, to live a life of prayer is to listen for God’s voice throughout the day. As we talk to God, we should be listening for God’s wisdom and guidance. As we think about the things we have to do, we ought to think about how we want to ask God to walk beside us in those endeavors. Knowing God is with us makes it very difficult to ignore God. Thus, we acknowledge we speak in the presence of God, and take time to speak and listen to God. This is living a life of prayer.

When we get married, we no longer speak or listen to God alone. We speak and listen to God alongside our spouse and form a complete triad. I remember when I took physics in high school our teacher split us up into groups and we had a special project. Each group had to build a bridge with limited materials consisting of 100 grams of rectangular balsa stock (very cheap and weak pieces of wood) and glue. The objective was to make a bridge that could hold the most amount of weight before reaching its breaking point. In doing the project, we learned that a triangle is the strongest shape. Triangles are structurally the strongest shape because they allow weight to be evenly spread throughout their sides, making them more able to support heavier loads than any other shape. When one side of a triangle is pushed from an exterior force, it cannot bend inward because of its support from the other two sides. Rather, the force of the triangle becomes stronger because each side of the triangle works together to push back against the exterior force.

This is what a marriage built on prayer looks like. Two people must be connected to one another in covenantal love to form the bottom side. However, they must each be connected to God to form the other two sides. In doing so, they become a powerful triangle that cannot be crushed from any exterior force.


Notice in the diagram the husband,
wife, and God form a perfect triangle.
Even though outer forces like
spiritual attack,
miscommunication,
and distrust attempt to
weaken the connection, the
triangle remains sturdy
because each point supports
the other by their connection
to one another. Both the
husband and wife are connected to God and they are connected to one another. When this type of connection takes place in a marriage, it is impossible to be destroyed by any exterior force. This is why a life of prayer with our spouse is so vital. Praying with our spouse is not just a good idea to try. Praying with our spouse is essential for our marriage to survive and thrive. There is a great quote from Will Smith’s character, Robert Neville in the movie I Am Legend. Quoting Bob Marley, Neville says, “The people who are trying to make this world worse are not taking a day off, how can I?” The enemy who is trying to destroy our marriages every day is not taking a day off. How can we? We cannot afford to take a break from prayer in our marriages. We must continually be walking together with our spouse and with the Lord.

So what does this look like? How do we continually talk together with our spouse and with the Lord? How does the metaphor of the triangle work practically in our marriage? I believe we need to make our home a place of worship. Just like we should enter church fellowship with an attitude of worship, we should enter our homes with an attitude of worship. And this is key; the home is not the house or apartment building, just as the church is not the building or sanctuary. Rather, the home is the covenant between husband and wife and the connection between the souls and hearts of each spouse. In that very connection, an attitude of worship needs to exist. When we go to the sanctuary to worship the Lord, we expect to meet with the Lord. We expect to pray, we expect to worship with the band, we expect to fellowship with other believers, and we expect to hear from the Word of God. In the same way, when we meet with our spouse, we should expect to pray, expect to worship together, expect to fellowship with one another, and expect to hear from God with one another. Praying with our spouse is going before the altar together as one flesh.

When Audrey and I were first married, we lived in an ideal place. We had a good-sized condo with two bedrooms and two bathrooms. We decorated our condo to match our personalities. It was familiar, it was comfortable, it was home…or so we initially thought. The honest truth is there were times I did not want to go “home” because it was a chore to me. There were times Audrey did not want to be in the condo because she and I were not in communion with one another. We soon learned that home was not the condo. Home was our connection to one another and with the Lord. If that connection was damaged, the building we had around us did not matter.

We moved out of the condo in December of 2008. During the first nine months in 2009, Audrey and I moved to 4 different locations. We did not have a house that was ours, but we still had a home, because home is our connection to one another and the Lord. Though we lived in somewhat chaotic circumstances, moving, settling, packing and moving again, we were at peace because we had a solid relationship with one another and each one of us had a strong relationship with the Lord. I believe we needed to learn this valuable lesson because there will be a time when Audrey and I have our own house that is beautiful with a lot of rooms and “stuff.” But that house will never be our home. It will merely be the physical location in which we live.

Lastly, the physical location in which we live needs to be a place of worship. Just like the sanctuary in a church building, our living areas need to be a place where we pray, worship, and fellowship with our spouse and the Lord. When we think of our living areas in such a way, we will be excited to be there. We will be intentional about inviting the Lord to join us for meals. We will acknowledge that the Lord is present in our planning. We will have peace when we face troubles of any kind. We will live a life of prayer with our spouse because we will continually walk with the Lord in every aspect of our interaction with our spouse. This makes arguing less frequent. When we have a disagreement with our spouse, we invite the Lord to be present as we work things out. For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them (Matthew 18:18).

Therefore, in everything we do, let us pray together with our spouse and invite the Lord to be present with us. Invite the Lord to be with you in your car when you and your spouse go out. Invite the Lord to dine with you at the table when you eat. Invite the Lord to give you counsel and guidance when you are working things out. Invite the Lord to give you wisdom when you make plans. Invite the Lord to continually watch over you and your household. Ask the Lord to keep you pure and holy in your thoughts and actions so you are always honoring one another. Above all, do life and Kingdom work together as one under the One Lord, Jesus Christ.

keeping happiness in your marriage

As a Pre-Marital counselor I get to see the joy all newly engaged couples as they meet with me in my office. I have a good friend who got engaged a few weeks ago. No one can miss the smile on her face, it lights up the room. It's contagious. It shows happiness of being in love.

If you have been married for a while now, here is my question...Do you remember those days? Can you remember the smile you had on your face when she said yes or when he asked you to marry him? Do you remember the smile you wore when you were first married? Remember “back in the day” when the happiness in your marriage was contagious to all your friends and family?

Life rolls forward at a quick rate, though, doesn't it? Jobs happen. Kids happen. Stress happens. How do you keep the happy in your marriage? Take some time, don't wait for time to happen, take it and remember the good times – then recreate them with your spouse.

Go to the beach and splash each other in the waves. Go to the movies and throw popcorn at each other. Recreate your first date (which for me involved going on a walk, getting sushi, and talking for hours). Whatever you do – make the time, spend the money, and give your spouse a happy trip down the memory lane of your marriage. This is how you will keep happiness in your marriage. This is how your marriage will survive and thrive.

helpful quote

"If you want to have a great relationship, the way you handle differences matters more than what those differences are." - Fighting for your Marriage pg. 28

steps to forgiveness

As two people in a covenant with one another, a married couple is required to offer forgiveness. Sometimes, even though the person who caused the offense may have genuinely asked for forgiveness, the person offended must go through a process before forgiveness can be complete - in this case forgiveness begins with the offended seeking healing and grace from God. The offended person must be filled to overflowing and out of the overflow of God's grace get to a place in his or her heart where they can genuinely let go of any negative emotions as a result of the offense and release the offender from their debt. On a side note, this does not mean the offended person is required to put him or herself in a position to be hurt again by the offender, nor does it take away the responsibility of the offender to own up to his or her actions to seek forgiveness (this is in the case the offender is unwilling to admit to the offense or seek forgiveness).

The following are two helpful lists I found from the book Fighting for your Marriage. I have used this book to lead our marriage group, and use it in my pre-marital counseling sessions. The first list deals with regaining trust, the second with the process of forgiveness.

Regaining Trust
1. Trust builds slowly over time: "Trust builds as you gain confidence in someone being there for you. Deep trust comes only fro seeing that your partner is there fore you over time."
2. Trust has the greatest chance to be rebuilt when each partner takes appropriate responsibility: "It's easier to trust when you can clearly see your partner's dedication to you."

Steps to Forgiveness
1. Schedule a couple meeting for discussing the specific issue related to forgiveness
2. Set the agenda to work on the issue in question
3. Fully explore the pain and concerns related to the issue for both of you
4. The offender asks for forgiveness
5. The offended agrees to forgive
6. If applicable, the offender makes a positive commitment to change recurrent patterns or attitudes that give offense
7. Expect it to take time

Final note:
Do NOT forget...you must forgive yourself too

article on cohabitation and the effect on marriage

By: David H. Olson & Amy K. Olson-Sigg

There are now over 5.1 million heterosexual couples cohabiting in the United States (U.S. Census Bureau, 2006), which is a tenfold increase from 1970 when only 500,000 couples were cohabiting.

According to the renowned demographer Larry Bumpass, the current rate of cohabitation before marriage is nearly 70%. This means that for 70% of young people, their first couple experience is cohabitation rather than marriage. About half of cohabitating couples either marry or break up after 2 years of cohabitation (Kennedy and Bumpass, 2007).

Of the cohabiting couples that have recently married, 58% lived with their partner before marriage and 14% of those had also lived with someone else other than the person they married (Kennedy and Bumpass, 2007).

Using data on premarital couples who took PREPARE-ENRICH in 2006, about 40% of premarital couples had cohabited with their partner before marriage (Olson, 2007). This finding is based on a national sample of over 50,000 premarital couples who took PREPARE, PREPARE-MC and PREPARE-CC. The percentage of cohabiting couples varied by inventory: 100% for PREPARE-CC; 30% for PREPARE and 44% for those who took PREPARE-MC. The rate of 40% cohabiting with partner is lower than the national average of 58% because many couples taking PREPARE are married in a church setting and it is the first marriage for most of them.

It appears that the rate of cohabitation will continue to increase. In a representative national survey, 66% of high school senior boy’s and 61% of girls indicated that they “agreed” or “mostly agreed” with the statement, “It is usually a good idea for a couple to live together before getting married in order to find out whether they really get along” (Bachman, Johnston & O’Malley, 2001).

Why has the rate of cohabitation increased so rapidly?
Given the predominant rates of cohabitation, it is difficult to believe that only 30 years ago living together for unmarried heterosexual couples was both illegal and considered immoral. This revolutionary change in attitude can be attributed to several factors:

• The delaying of first marriages until older with the median age for females 25 years and 27 for males (U.S. Bureau of the Census, 2000).
• A decline in Americans who choose to marry, more than 1/3 from 1970-1996 (U.S. Bureau of the Census, 2000).
• The sexual revolution has reduced some of the stigma attached to cohabitation. The
saturation of sexuality within the entertainment industry and the media has greatly
contributed to this change.
• Concern over the continuing high rate of divorce has led couples to seek a weaker form of union with less commitment to life long marriage (The State of Our Union, 2000).

What reasons do couples give for cohabiting?
With the increasing number of years that most young adults are single and the growing social acceptance of cohabitation, couples report several common reasons for cohabiting.
• Economic advantages: “We can save money by sharing living expenses.”
• Time together: “We are able to spend more time together.”
• Increased intimacy: “We have more opportunities to share sexual and emotional intimacy without getting married.”
• Less complicated dissolution: “If the relationship doesn’t work out, there is no messy divorce.”
• “Testing” compatibility: “Living together enables us to better learn about each other’s habits and character and see how we operate together day-to-day.”
• Trial Marriage: “We are planning to marry soon.”

How are Cohabiters different from married couples?
There are several characteristics that distinguish cohabiters from married couples and they include the following:
1. Cohabiting couples have lower levels of personal happiness and higher rates of depression than married couples (Waite & Gallagher, 2000).
2. Cohabiters value independence more than married partners and have more individual freedom (Waite & Gallagher, 2000).
3. Cohabiters are less likely to be supportive financially of one another than are married partners (Waite & Gallagher, 2000).
4. Cohabiters have more negative attitudes about marriage than non-cohabiters (Axinn &
Barber, 1997).

What are some characteristics of couples that cohabit?
• On PREPARE & ENRICH, cohabiting couples have significantly lower scores on most
categories (Olson, 2001).
• Couples living together have the lowest level of premarital satisfaction when compared to other living arrangements (Stewart & Olson, 1990; Olson, 2001).
• Marriages preceded by cohabitation are more likely to end in divorce (Popenoe &
Whitehead, 1999).
• Cohabiters have lower scores than non-cohabiters on religious behaviors, personal faith,
church attendance and joint religious activities (Thorton, A., Axinn, W.G. & Hill, D.H.,
1992).
• Married couples that cohabitated prior to marriage have poorer communication skills in discussing problems than couples that did not cohabit (Cohan & Kleinbaum, 2000).
• Cohabiting couples are less sexually committed or trustworthy (Waite & Gallagher,
2000).
• Cohabiting males are less involved in housework and childrearing (Waite & Gallagher,
2000).
• Cohabiting increases the risk of couple abuse and, if there are children, child abuse
(Thompson, Hanson & McLanahan, 1994).

Does Cohabitation Contribute to Marital Failure?
Most research has focused on cohabitation’s negative effect on a future marriage.
The following are two possible explanations:

Lack of Commitment to Marriage:
One explanation is that while the basis for marriage is a strong ethic of commitment,
cohabiting couples are much more oriented toward their own personal autonomy and are more willing to terminate the relationship. It is easy to speculate that once this low-commitment, high autonomy pattern of relating is learned, it becomes hard to change (National Marriage Project, 2000).

Inability to Make Decision about Marriage:
Cohabitation reflects uncertainty. As professor Pepper Schwartz explains, “I think there is something in the experience of cohabitation that makes it hard to know when is the time to make a choice, to change one way of living for another, and to say, yes, this person… is the one for me” (Schwartz, 2000).

Is cohabiting a good way to prepare for marriage?
Generally not. The social science evidence suggests that living together is not a good way to prepare for marriage or to avoid divorce. In fact, virtually all the major studies have shown a higher divorce rate among couples that cohabited before marriage than those who did not. No positive contribution of cohabitation to a successful marriage has been found to date.

It is important to note that cohabiting that is within 3-6 months before marriage is different from cohabiting as an alternative to marriage. If a couple cohabits a few months before the wedding and if each partner has had no prior cohabitation experience and no children, then the adverse effects are not strongly supported in research (Popenoe & Whitehead, 1999).

What is a good way to prepare for marriage?
The PREPARE-CC Program is one effective way to build a stronger and happier marriage. Our recent PREPARE Outcome Study (Knutson & Olson 2003) demonstrated the value for couples in taking the PREPARE Inventory and having 4-5 feedback sessions using the Six Couple Exercises. Couples significantly improved their couple satisfaction and their relationship type (the PREPARE Program increased Vitalized couples by 52% and decreased Conflicted couples by 83%).


PREPARE-CC (Cohabiting Couples)
Clearly, cohabiting couples have common traits that distinguish them from premarital
couples that are not living together. For this reason, we have developed a version of
PREPARE and some of the features include:
• Items are designed to help couples understand and focus on issues related to cohabiting.
• 50 new items—30% different than PREPARE.
• Background questions ask about family and other relative’s feelings about their cohabiting.
• New Category called Cohabitation Issues--10 new items.
• Two-three new items across all PREPARE categories.
• New Items in PREPARE—CC: You can use this handout to ensure that you have covered all the relevant issues.

REFERENCES:
The following are some excellent resources about cohabitation:
Bahmann, J.G., Johnsont, L.D., & O’Malley, P.M. (2001). Monitoring the Future: Questionnaire responses from the nation’s high school seniors, 2000. Ann Arbor, MI: Institute for Social Research, Univ of Michigan. Center for Marriage and Family. (December, 2000). Time, sex and money. The first five years of marriage. Creighton University, Omaha, NE.

Kennedy, S. & Bumpass, L. (2007). Cohabitation and children’s living arrangements: New estimates from the United States. Unpublished manuscript. Madison, WI: Center for
Demography, University of Wisconsin.

Larson, J. (2000). The verdict on cohabitation vs. marriage. Marriage & Families, 7-12.

Popenoe, D. & Whitehead, B. (1999). Should we live together? What young adults need to
know about cohabitation before marriage. The National Marriage Project, New Brunswick, NJ.

Popenoe, D. & Whitehead, B. (2000). The state of our unions 2000: The social health of
marriage in America. The National Marriage Project, New Brunswick, NJ.

Waite, L. & Gallagher, M. (2000). The case for marriage: Why married people are happier, healthier and better off financially. New York: Doubleday.

3 daily practices

I was reading a short article on three things a couple can practice daily to help nurture their marriage and increase mutual joy and affection. Without regurgitating the entire article, I will lay out the three daily practices:

1. Tell your spouse one reason why you appreciate him or her every day.
2. Exemplify honesty and integrity in your relationship - this includes how you think throughout the day, the choices you make, and the conversations you have. Are you honoring your spouse in those areas?
3. Begin and end the day with a good conversation. It doesn't have to be long, but begin and end on a high note, even if it is just "You are amazing and I am thankful for you, good night."

These three daily practices can help you cultivate an environment of trust and safety in your marriage. They are not difficult to incorporate in your day, and the benefits are well worth the effort.

helpful communication lesson

When going back and forth with your spouse, whether in a discussion, disagreement, argument, or basic communication - try to incorporate the following four steps - make it a goal for these steps to be the natural way you process words and actions from another person.

Hear what is said (download information)
Interpret what you heard
Reflect (Ask clarifying Questions)
React Accordingly

-Don’t jump from Hearing to Reacting
-When in doubt ask clarifying questions (maybe he/she didn’t mean what you think)
-React in Humility
-If Humility is not an option at the time – cool off (take some time) before conversing

scheduling time for your spouse

Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed – Mark 1:35

Not too long ago I completed what had been the busiest time of my life; working full time as the lead pastor of a church while going to school full time for my M.Div. Amidst finding time for people at Halogen who needed counsel, weekly follow-ups, encouragement, instruction, or to just be in fellowship, I was also trying to balance time for studying, preparing sermons, and running the administrative and business side of the church. As if that were not enough, time devoted to small groups, Halogen events, and after-service fellowship was also demanded. Thank God for a wonderful Administrative assistant like Leanne and an associate pastor like Greg being added on part time. In addition to church responsibilities, I had to make time to study, go over notes, write papers, read books, take part in on-line discussions, meet with professors, and study for exams. Needless to say, there was a LOT on my plate.

On top of my responsibilities at school and at work, I had my top two responsibilities left to consider, namely, my relationship with the Lord as top priority and my role as Audrey’s husband and best friend. Sure, the Lord will never leave nor forsake me. The Bible says so. Of course, Audrey would always be there. After all, we promised on our wedding day to support one another and honor and respect one another. It is interesting how those who are closest to us often take the back seat in our busy lives.

We often take our marriages for granted. In my case, I presumed Audrey would support me as a pastor and student, and encourage me and respect the time I needed to devote to those important aspects of our lives. True. But marriage is an interdependent relationship. That is, though Audrey was expected to support me, encourage me, respect my time, and honor my roles as pastor and student, I was also expected to support Audrey, encourage her, respect her time, and honor her as my wife by making sure she not only “knew” she was number 1 in my life, but FELT like she was number 1.

Well, how in the world are we supposed to accomplish that? This is a common obstacle in marriages. How do we find time for our spouse? How do we add a date night to an already packed week? What has got to give in order for our marriages to not just survive, but actually thrive? I asked these questions and more. Then I read a very familiar passage. In fact, it was one verse that jumped out. Jesus went off to a solitary place where he prayed. At face value that might not seem like such an insightful find. But look at what is going on in Jesus’ life. He preached. He called his 12 disciples, which meant he was responsible for 12 people and their spiritual journeys. He dealt with ruthless opposition. He drove out evil spirits. This is the type of ministry that really takes a lot out of a person. He healed many people. He listened to people and fellowshipped. He went to “church” on a regular basis. Jesus had more on his plate than I ever will. If anyone did NOT have spare time, it was Jesus. Yet Jesus “left the house” to pray.
I am not convinced that we have to always look at everything we are juggling and see what we need to take away in order to schedule in something else. There are definitely times when this is the case, but not always. Also, I do not believe taking the calendar, looking at the week, getting an overview of what’s going on and then proceeding is our starting point. This is definitely a great exercise and I encourage all of us to do this, but it is not the starting point. In the sequel to the Matrix movie Matrix Reloaded Merovingian makes a great point. He says, “Yes, of course. Who has time? Who has time? But then if we never *take* time, how can we have time?” This may not be the Word of God, but it makes a lot of sense and we should ponder this truth.

We cannot and will not have time if we do not take time. The schoolwork, the church work, the ministry work, the people, the meetings, the “whatever-it-is” will always be there. No matter how much we try to stack our “stuff” in organized sequences and spaces, we will always be up to our necks in stuff to do. Furthermore, unexpected stuff will come out of left field all the time. Here is a small example. Audrey and I planned on saving money to buy a house. We had things stacked and organized. Our income, our savings, our expenditures and so on were all accounted for. However, the air compressor in my car went out in the beginning of the year. That was an $800 expenditure not anticipated. Audrey got a special opportunity that cost a good amount of money. That was a blessing, but an unexpected cost. Recently, my car just died and is going to cost another $800 to fix. All of this we did not expect but happened. That’s reality. That’s life. And if we get caught up in waiting for time to be still or stuff to dissipate, we will wait forever because the cycle will never end, it will just get worse.

So, how do we break this cycle? I believe we need to take time to be with the Lord and focus on the Holy Spirit. I think the best time is in the morning before we start our day. Jesus got up very early, “while it was still dark” to pray. However, this is not the only time to make for the Lord. But here is the key; when we take time to be with the Lord, we should just focus on our time with the Lord. That means, we do not occupy our minds with what we have to study, what meetings we have lined up, what big events are coming up, or what problems we have to face. We ask the Lord to cleanse our mind of anxiety, stress, and worry, and we just sit in the presence of the Lord for a time. In doing so, we ask the Holy Spirit to speak to us. We read the Word, and just listen. After a time of listening we speak and we invite the Lord into our day. We pray through the studies, the meetings, the test we have to take, the presentation we have to make, the traffic we have to sit through and so on. This way, as we go through that day we are focused, recharged, and filled with God’s grace as opposed to stressed and anxious.

In the same way, we need to make time for our spouse. We need to just focus on our spouse. This means no schoolwork, no thinking about work issues, and no short answers to our spouse’s questions because our minds are somewhere else. This should be a daily routine around the time we get home from our day. In addition, we need to make sure at least once a week we have time set apart to be alone with our spouse. No phones, no computers, no minds full of “stuff.” I think a good model is to have a plan as to what a date night looks like. If it involves going for a walk, watching a movie, being intimate, and/or praying together, make sure all of those things happen. If our spouse brings up in conversation work or school, invite them into all that is going on in the same way we invited the Lord during our time with Him earlier that morning. Here is a BIG must do. Ask to be invited into your spouse’s day. Do not just talk about you and your stuff, have an interest in his or her stuff and be a suitable partner.

Here is what happens when we make this a habit. A) Our spouse feels honored and appreciated. B) We feel less stress and/or guilt because our spouse is not angry or hurt that they are not being included. Rather, we are spending more time with them and they do not feel isolated or useless. C) We feel recharged because we have invited our spouse into our lives and have been invited into theirs in a true partnership. This means we do not feel alone in our “stuff” and our spouse does not feel unappreciated or unneeded. This leads to what I think is the most important. D) Our spouse does not feel like they are holding us down, but they realize they are lifting us up through encouragement, prayer, words of wisdom, and their love.

When we bring our stress into our times with our spouse we have a short fuse. Spending time with our spouse while stressed out is more like getting through what we “have to do” so we can get back to our work. Through stress we give short answers, we do not really pay attention or focus on our time with our spouse, we rush through dinner or our time together, and we get defensive or argumentative when our spouse brings something up because we feel it is another thing we have to do. Our stress conquers our time and makes our spouse feel like he or she is more like a hindrance than a support. This is no way to treat our teammate. All this does is perpetuate Satan’s lies that say, “You’re holding him/her back. You’re in the way. You are making him/her more frustrated. He/She would be better off without you.” These are all LIES. We cannot fuel the fire of these lies by treating our spouses like they are dead weight. They are not. We need them. They are life givers. They are a source of God’s love that we need to live. They are our prayer warriors. They are our suitable partners. We do not NEED to do all the stuff we have lined up more than we NEED our spouse. Like I said, the stuff will always be there, but the stuff is not our partner. Our spouse is our partner and the sooner we invite them into our lives and the sooner we make them feel like they are helping, the better our relationship will be, the less stress we will feel, the more love we will have in our home, the more grace we will receive and show, and the better our lives will be.

The moral of the story: spend daily time with the Lord listening and praying. Take the time and make it a priority. Use that grace to get you through the day. Have at least one date night a week with your spouse that lasts more than just a few hours. Focus only on him or her. Clear your mind of the other stuff and just enjoy your spouse and your time together. Make them feel valued. Make them feel number 1. Make them your partner. Give them the authority in your life to help you make decisions, to call you out, to encourage you, and to walk beside you. Tell them with your love, your actions, and your words that they are your best support, your best encouragement, and you could not do anything with out them by your side. This will dissolve stress. This will wipe away anxiety. This will make your marriage powerful, refreshing, and what it was meant to be from the beginning: two becoming one in the Lord.

the husband as 'spiritual leader'

Genesis 2:7-17; 3:1-6

Who was the first person to sin? Many people say Eve because she was the person whom the serpent deceived and the first person to eat of the forbidden fruit (Gen 3:6). Those same people say the original sin occurred because of Eve’s weakness, namely, that she was gullible and thus succumbed to the trickery of the serpent. The basis of the argument is women are easily persuaded and, as a result, many in church history and still today believe women are not able to hold leadership positions.

Here is a basic problem with that argument. If one assumes the woman (Eve) did seduce the man (Adam), the assumption presupposes she exerted power over him, thus making him to be weaker than she. It further affirms that gullibility is not a quality possessed by women alone. That is to say, men and women are equal in their gullibility and proneness to deception. Therefore, the argument that women are not “qualified” to be leaders, based on their gullibility does not stand.

Here is a second point that people often miss. The prohibition, “…you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil…” was articulated to Adam (Gen 2:17). Eve had not even been created at this point. Hence, Adam was the one responsible to inform Eve of God’s command. Now, it is apparent Adam did pass the information along to Eve because she responds to the serpent saying, “We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, but God did say, ‘You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die’” (Genesis 3:2, 3). Eve added emphasis to God’s original command saying you must not touch it, a phrase God did not say to Adam. Thus, it is apparent Eve has pondered God’s command for at least some time. Why is this important? Adam apparently did not ponder this command with his wife. Had he done so, perhaps the outcome would have been much different.

The serpent, cunning as it is, informs Eve she is mistaken and will not die. Rather, the serpent explains to her, she will be like God. We must pause at this point and step out of our Western eyes that would jump to the assumption that Eve was tempted to be prideful. That is, we cannot assume Eve understood to be “like God” as a way to be as powerful, sovereign, and glorious as God. Perhaps Eve innocently wanted to be like her creator, just like us Christians want to be like Christ.

Now, here comes the million-dollar question. This is the question those who presume women are at fault in this narrative do not take into consideration. Namely, where is Adam (the husband) in all of this? The narrator tells us in verse 6 the man was with her. Adam was with Eve during her entire dialogue with the serpent. He was not off by himself and then fell innocently and unknowingly to the deceit of his wife. No, he was with Eve the whole time and kept silent. Moreover, by allowing Eve to eat the fruit and then taking some for himself, Adam depicts he is incapable of standing by his own choice, he is disobedient to God’s command, and he is a failure as a leader.
What, then, does it mean to be the “Spiritual Leader of the Household?” Three points come to mind. First, one must be strongly and securely connected to God. The Gospel of John teaches that Christ’s followers are to be connected to the True Vine, Jesus Christ (cf. John 15). One who is connected to God, immersed in the Word, and attentive to the Holy Spirit will be filled with discernment and wisdom to make choices that reflect the Kingdom, bring glory to God, and produce good fruit.

Second, a man is responsible to take the instructions of the LORD and set them as the foundation for his household. Moses instructs the Israelites to write down the commands of the LORD on the doorframes of their houses and their gates (Deut 6:9). Upon entering the Promised Land, Joshua states, “But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD” (Josh 24:15). In essence, the spiritual leader is responsible for ensuring their household is a piece of land in the Kingdom of God and the entirety of the household lives obediently to the LORD.

Finally, a husband has the duty to live like a leader. This entails protecting his wife, children, and guests from getting involved in agreements, decisions, or contracts that will lead them to grief. Furthermore, he does not remain silent and allow his wife or children to make decisions that contradict God’s commandments. Rather, he stands against that which contradicts the LORD and leads his family in such a way.

Does this mean the husband is always in charge and the wife is the subordinate? By no means! Listen to Paul’s words, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Eph 5:21). A husband and a wife are in partnership just as Christ and the Church. The wife needs to be connected to the Holy Spirit as well and is responsible to be obedient to God and attentive to the Spirit. Therefore, God may speak through either the husband or the wife, but both should be of one mind and one accord in confirmation because they both are listening to one Spirit, that is, the Spirit of God.

The moral of this story: Husbands, you are spiritual leaders in that you are expected to live a life led by the Lord. Be Connected to Jesus Christ, Be Attentive to the Holy Spirit, and Live Obediently to God. Husbands, fall on your knees in humility! This is the way we worship the Lord. This is how the Spirit leads us. By this we lead through God’s strength. We can only lead well if we are led well. Just as Christ loves his church, husbands love your wives.

Wives “submit” in the sense of support and encourage your husband in his spiritual leadership. This includes being attentive to the Holy Spirit, connected to Jesus Christ, and living obediently to the Word as well. In this way, wives, you are able to support your husband by confirmation of the Spirit, not by blindly following along. Wives pray and assist in making sure your household is on a trajectory towards fullness in Jesus Christ. If your husband is called the “spiritual leader,” you are called the “spiritual intercessor.”