Thursday, April 14, 2011

paying attention

From Fighting For Your Marriage - Revised ed. page 94

There are a number of brain functions that are all governed by the same part of the brain. Psychologists call these executive functions, as they have to do with your ability to control your focus, behavior, and follow-through. They include such things as focusing, resisting temptation, delaying gratification, and making decisions. A number of researchers, such as Kathleen Vohs at the University of Minnesota and Roy Baumeister at Florida State University, have shown that these executive functions are a limited resource: when you have to work to keep it together doing one thing, you will have a harder time, shortly thereafter, doing as well if what follows also requires those executive functions.

How is this relevant [in marriage]? Let's say you've had a difficult day at work (or at home). Perhaps you have an annoying coworker or customer who drives you nuts, and you have to work hard not to lash out. Or maybe it's just a day when you've had to make a zillion decisions. The part of your brain that governs these tasks will be pooped out. That means it will be extra hard that evening to pay good attention to your partner - or anyone else, for that matter. Does that mean that you should just go sit in a cave somewhere and ask your partner to wait until your executive functions are refreshed? Probably not the best idea.

You cannot always lower the stress of a day, and you often can't shirk responsibilities at home or work that wear you down. What you can do is let your partner know when it's been a really tough day. You can also work on being more aware of when you are depleted, and try extra hard at those times to give your partner some focused attention before you crash.

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