Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed – Mark 1:35
Not too long ago I completed what had been the busiest time of my life; working full time as the lead pastor of a church while going to school full time for my M.Div. Amidst finding time for people at Halogen who needed counsel, weekly follow-ups, encouragement, instruction, or to just be in fellowship, I was also trying to balance time for studying, preparing sermons, and running the administrative and business side of the church. As if that were not enough, time devoted to small groups, Halogen events, and after-service fellowship was also demanded. Thank God for a wonderful Administrative assistant like Leanne and an associate pastor like Greg being added on part time. In addition to church responsibilities, I had to make time to study, go over notes, write papers, read books, take part in on-line discussions, meet with professors, and study for exams. Needless to say, there was a LOT on my plate.
On top of my responsibilities at school and at work, I had my top two responsibilities left to consider, namely, my relationship with the Lord as top priority and my role as Audrey’s husband and best friend. Sure, the Lord will never leave nor forsake me. The Bible says so. Of course, Audrey would always be there. After all, we promised on our wedding day to support one another and honor and respect one another. It is interesting how those who are closest to us often take the back seat in our busy lives.
We often take our marriages for granted. In my case, I presumed Audrey would support me as a pastor and student, and encourage me and respect the time I needed to devote to those important aspects of our lives. True. But marriage is an interdependent relationship. That is, though Audrey was expected to support me, encourage me, respect my time, and honor my roles as pastor and student, I was also expected to support Audrey, encourage her, respect her time, and honor her as my wife by making sure she not only “knew” she was number 1 in my life, but FELT like she was number 1.
Well, how in the world are we supposed to accomplish that? This is a common obstacle in marriages. How do we find time for our spouse? How do we add a date night to an already packed week? What has got to give in order for our marriages to not just survive, but actually thrive? I asked these questions and more. Then I read a very familiar passage. In fact, it was one verse that jumped out. Jesus went off to a solitary place where he prayed. At face value that might not seem like such an insightful find. But look at what is going on in Jesus’ life. He preached. He called his 12 disciples, which meant he was responsible for 12 people and their spiritual journeys. He dealt with ruthless opposition. He drove out evil spirits. This is the type of ministry that really takes a lot out of a person. He healed many people. He listened to people and fellowshipped. He went to “church” on a regular basis. Jesus had more on his plate than I ever will. If anyone did NOT have spare time, it was Jesus. Yet Jesus “left the house” to pray.
I am not convinced that we have to always look at everything we are juggling and see what we need to take away in order to schedule in something else. There are definitely times when this is the case, but not always. Also, I do not believe taking the calendar, looking at the week, getting an overview of what’s going on and then proceeding is our starting point. This is definitely a great exercise and I encourage all of us to do this, but it is not the starting point. In the sequel to the Matrix movie Matrix Reloaded Merovingian makes a great point. He says, “Yes, of course. Who has time? Who has time? But then if we never *take* time, how can we have time?” This may not be the Word of God, but it makes a lot of sense and we should ponder this truth.
We cannot and will not have time if we do not take time. The schoolwork, the church work, the ministry work, the people, the meetings, the “whatever-it-is” will always be there. No matter how much we try to stack our “stuff” in organized sequences and spaces, we will always be up to our necks in stuff to do. Furthermore, unexpected stuff will come out of left field all the time. Here is a small example. Audrey and I planned on saving money to buy a house. We had things stacked and organized. Our income, our savings, our expenditures and so on were all accounted for. However, the air compressor in my car went out in the beginning of the year. That was an $800 expenditure not anticipated. Audrey got a special opportunity that cost a good amount of money. That was a blessing, but an unexpected cost. Recently, my car just died and is going to cost another $800 to fix. All of this we did not expect but happened. That’s reality. That’s life. And if we get caught up in waiting for time to be still or stuff to dissipate, we will wait forever because the cycle will never end, it will just get worse.
So, how do we break this cycle? I believe we need to take time to be with the Lord and focus on the Holy Spirit. I think the best time is in the morning before we start our day. Jesus got up very early, “while it was still dark” to pray. However, this is not the only time to make for the Lord. But here is the key; when we take time to be with the Lord, we should just focus on our time with the Lord. That means, we do not occupy our minds with what we have to study, what meetings we have lined up, what big events are coming up, or what problems we have to face. We ask the Lord to cleanse our mind of anxiety, stress, and worry, and we just sit in the presence of the Lord for a time. In doing so, we ask the Holy Spirit to speak to us. We read the Word, and just listen. After a time of listening we speak and we invite the Lord into our day. We pray through the studies, the meetings, the test we have to take, the presentation we have to make, the traffic we have to sit through and so on. This way, as we go through that day we are focused, recharged, and filled with God’s grace as opposed to stressed and anxious.
In the same way, we need to make time for our spouse. We need to just focus on our spouse. This means no schoolwork, no thinking about work issues, and no short answers to our spouse’s questions because our minds are somewhere else. This should be a daily routine around the time we get home from our day. In addition, we need to make sure at least once a week we have time set apart to be alone with our spouse. No phones, no computers, no minds full of “stuff.” I think a good model is to have a plan as to what a date night looks like. If it involves going for a walk, watching a movie, being intimate, and/or praying together, make sure all of those things happen. If our spouse brings up in conversation work or school, invite them into all that is going on in the same way we invited the Lord during our time with Him earlier that morning. Here is a BIG must do. Ask to be invited into your spouse’s day. Do not just talk about you and your stuff, have an interest in his or her stuff and be a suitable partner.
Here is what happens when we make this a habit. A) Our spouse feels honored and appreciated. B) We feel less stress and/or guilt because our spouse is not angry or hurt that they are not being included. Rather, we are spending more time with them and they do not feel isolated or useless. C) We feel recharged because we have invited our spouse into our lives and have been invited into theirs in a true partnership. This means we do not feel alone in our “stuff” and our spouse does not feel unappreciated or unneeded. This leads to what I think is the most important. D) Our spouse does not feel like they are holding us down, but they realize they are lifting us up through encouragement, prayer, words of wisdom, and their love.
When we bring our stress into our times with our spouse we have a short fuse. Spending time with our spouse while stressed out is more like getting through what we “have to do” so we can get back to our work. Through stress we give short answers, we do not really pay attention or focus on our time with our spouse, we rush through dinner or our time together, and we get defensive or argumentative when our spouse brings something up because we feel it is another thing we have to do. Our stress conquers our time and makes our spouse feel like he or she is more like a hindrance than a support. This is no way to treat our teammate. All this does is perpetuate Satan’s lies that say, “You’re holding him/her back. You’re in the way. You are making him/her more frustrated. He/She would be better off without you.” These are all LIES. We cannot fuel the fire of these lies by treating our spouses like they are dead weight. They are not. We need them. They are life givers. They are a source of God’s love that we need to live. They are our prayer warriors. They are our suitable partners. We do not NEED to do all the stuff we have lined up more than we NEED our spouse. Like I said, the stuff will always be there, but the stuff is not our partner. Our spouse is our partner and the sooner we invite them into our lives and the sooner we make them feel like they are helping, the better our relationship will be, the less stress we will feel, the more love we will have in our home, the more grace we will receive and show, and the better our lives will be.
The moral of the story: spend daily time with the Lord listening and praying. Take the time and make it a priority. Use that grace to get you through the day. Have at least one date night a week with your spouse that lasts more than just a few hours. Focus only on him or her. Clear your mind of the other stuff and just enjoy your spouse and your time together. Make them feel valued. Make them feel number 1. Make them your partner. Give them the authority in your life to help you make decisions, to call you out, to encourage you, and to walk beside you. Tell them with your love, your actions, and your words that they are your best support, your best encouragement, and you could not do anything with out them by your side. This will dissolve stress. This will wipe away anxiety. This will make your marriage powerful, refreshing, and what it was meant to be from the beginning: two becoming one in the Lord.
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