Monday, December 10, 2012
Friday, December 7, 2012
small details
This was shared on Facebook and I thought it was worthwhile to post here.
When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.
When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.
Suddenly I didn’t...know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her
know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.
She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly,
why?
I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.
The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.
In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.
This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.
I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.
My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.
She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.
Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.
Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.
But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.
She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.
That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed -dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce.— At least, in the eyes of our son—- I’m a loving husband….
The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves.
So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!
I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.
The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.
In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.
This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.
I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.
My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.
She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.
Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.
Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.
But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.
She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.
That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed -dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce.— At least, in the eyes of our son—- I’m a loving husband….
The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves.
So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!
Monday, June 11, 2012
Monday, May 21, 2012
Monday, May 14, 2012
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Monday, November 28, 2011
"i shouldn't have said that"
I recently read a quote that caught my attention:
“The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences.”
Scripture compares the tongue to fire of which a small spark can set ablaze an entire forest. We have all spoken words that we wish we could pull back into our mouths. It reminds me of the Harry Potter character, Hagrid, who is known for blurting out too much information and afterward realizing, “I shouldn’t have said that.”
Do you ever feel that way in your marriage?
I shouldn’t have said that . . . to my spouse.
I shouldn’t have said that . . . about my spouse.
I shouldn’t have said that . . . with so much negativity.
The things people say (or don’t say) have the power to determine the life or death of their marriage. Healthy couples are those that practice the following in the area of communication:
They share their feelings with one another
They listen to one another in a way that demonstrates understanding and care
They ask for what they want
They do not refuse to discuss difficult issues
They do not make comments that put one another down
When we communicate in these ways, it brings life to our marriage. One characteristic of a happy couple is feeling satisfied with their communication and conflict resolution. When couples fail to communicate well, their relationship suffers and is much more susceptible to break-up or divorce. Often, the biggest challenge is keeping the tongue in check, and simply being a good listener. It really does not take much to derail a conversation and turn it from a productive life-giving experience into something negative or damaging.
Listen twice as much as you speak. When you speak, share life-giving words. This way, you'll greatly lessen the amount of times you think, "I shouldn't have said that."
“The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences.”
Scripture compares the tongue to fire of which a small spark can set ablaze an entire forest. We have all spoken words that we wish we could pull back into our mouths. It reminds me of the Harry Potter character, Hagrid, who is known for blurting out too much information and afterward realizing, “I shouldn’t have said that.”
Do you ever feel that way in your marriage?
I shouldn’t have said that . . . to my spouse.
I shouldn’t have said that . . . about my spouse.
I shouldn’t have said that . . . with so much negativity.
The things people say (or don’t say) have the power to determine the life or death of their marriage. Healthy couples are those that practice the following in the area of communication:
They share their feelings with one another
They listen to one another in a way that demonstrates understanding and care
They ask for what they want
They do not refuse to discuss difficult issues
They do not make comments that put one another down
When we communicate in these ways, it brings life to our marriage. One characteristic of a happy couple is feeling satisfied with their communication and conflict resolution. When couples fail to communicate well, their relationship suffers and is much more susceptible to break-up or divorce. Often, the biggest challenge is keeping the tongue in check, and simply being a good listener. It really does not take much to derail a conversation and turn it from a productive life-giving experience into something negative or damaging.
Listen twice as much as you speak. When you speak, share life-giving words. This way, you'll greatly lessen the amount of times you think, "I shouldn't have said that."
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
watching how you think
Can you imagine a time your spouse says or does something that you find incredibly hurtful? Whether or not he or she meant to hurt you is one thing. How you choose to think about it is everything. Most of us react more to our interpretation of what was said than to what our spouse meant and actually did say.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
paying attention
From Fighting For Your Marriage - Revised ed. page 94
There are a number of brain functions that are all governed by the same part of the brain. Psychologists call these executive functions, as they have to do with your ability to control your focus, behavior, and follow-through. They include such things as focusing, resisting temptation, delaying gratification, and making decisions. A number of researchers, such as Kathleen Vohs at the University of Minnesota and Roy Baumeister at Florida State University, have shown that these executive functions are a limited resource: when you have to work to keep it together doing one thing, you will have a harder time, shortly thereafter, doing as well if what follows also requires those executive functions.
How is this relevant [in marriage]? Let's say you've had a difficult day at work (or at home). Perhaps you have an annoying coworker or customer who drives you nuts, and you have to work hard not to lash out. Or maybe it's just a day when you've had to make a zillion decisions. The part of your brain that governs these tasks will be pooped out. That means it will be extra hard that evening to pay good attention to your partner - or anyone else, for that matter. Does that mean that you should just go sit in a cave somewhere and ask your partner to wait until your executive functions are refreshed? Probably not the best idea.
You cannot always lower the stress of a day, and you often can't shirk responsibilities at home or work that wear you down. What you can do is let your partner know when it's been a really tough day. You can also work on being more aware of when you are depleted, and try extra hard at those times to give your partner some focused attention before you crash.
There are a number of brain functions that are all governed by the same part of the brain. Psychologists call these executive functions, as they have to do with your ability to control your focus, behavior, and follow-through. They include such things as focusing, resisting temptation, delaying gratification, and making decisions. A number of researchers, such as Kathleen Vohs at the University of Minnesota and Roy Baumeister at Florida State University, have shown that these executive functions are a limited resource: when you have to work to keep it together doing one thing, you will have a harder time, shortly thereafter, doing as well if what follows also requires those executive functions.
How is this relevant [in marriage]? Let's say you've had a difficult day at work (or at home). Perhaps you have an annoying coworker or customer who drives you nuts, and you have to work hard not to lash out. Or maybe it's just a day when you've had to make a zillion decisions. The part of your brain that governs these tasks will be pooped out. That means it will be extra hard that evening to pay good attention to your partner - or anyone else, for that matter. Does that mean that you should just go sit in a cave somewhere and ask your partner to wait until your executive functions are refreshed? Probably not the best idea.
You cannot always lower the stress of a day, and you often can't shirk responsibilities at home or work that wear you down. What you can do is let your partner know when it's been a really tough day. You can also work on being more aware of when you are depleted, and try extra hard at those times to give your partner some focused attention before you crash.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
hearing from the Lord
Husbands and wives hear differently from the Lord. We were created differently, we have different roles and responsibilities, and a woman has a different sensitivity to the Lord than that of a man. Therefore, we need to humbly, and adamantly, learn to listen to one another. We need to listen better to our spouse. The Lord continues to speak to and through your spouse. Missing that which the Lord is saying is perhaps not the result of your spouse's poor communication, but your poor attentiveness.
Monday, May 17, 2010
praying with your spouse
The concept of living a “life of prayer” is one of those spiritual clichés that sound good and holy but we do not really know how to do it. Sure, there are people who pray before every meal, before they go to bed, and perhaps when something comes up in which spiritual guidance is necessary. But living a life of prayer is more than praying for our Lucky Charms, our hopes for tomorrow, and our need to be rescued from bad situations.
If we make an attempt to define prayer, we may begin with the idea of having a conversation with God. From this starting point, we would conclude the first person to ever pray was Adam in the Garden of Eden, and soon after him was Eve. For Adam and Eve walked with God in the garden in the cool of the day and they conversed with one another (Genesis 2:15-17, 3:8). Unfortunately, Adam and Eve invited sin to join the conversation, but sin cannot be in the presence of God. The result of dining with sin was dismissal of Adam and Eve, along with humankind, from walking in the presence of God. But praise be to God that Jesus Christ was sent to create a bridge between humankind and God so that those who have faith in Jesus Christ and live obediently to the Word can once again walk with God in the garden in the cool of the day.
So, what does it mean to live a life of prayer? I believe it means living our lives with the understanding that we are walking with God. Though we are unable to see God, our Lord is there. Though we do not hear God audibly, at least not always, God speaks to us. And though we do not always think about it, God is listening to everything we say and knows all of our thoughts. Whether we acknowledge it or not, we are constantly in the presence of God. Therefore, to live a life of prayer is to acknowledge God is with us and to be intentional about talking with God about our day, including our thoughts, our hopes, our anxieties, and everything else! In the same manner, to live a life of prayer is to listen for God’s voice throughout the day. As we talk to God, we should be listening for God’s wisdom and guidance. As we think about the things we have to do, we ought to think about how we want to ask God to walk beside us in those endeavors. Knowing God is with us makes it very difficult to ignore God. Thus, we acknowledge we speak in the presence of God, and take time to speak and listen to God. This is living a life of prayer.
When we get married, we no longer speak or listen to God alone. We speak and listen to God alongside our spouse and form a complete triad. I remember when I took physics in high school our teacher split us up into groups and we had a special project. Each group had to build a bridge with limited materials consisting of 100 grams of rectangular balsa stock (very cheap and weak pieces of wood) and glue. The objective was to make a bridge that could hold the most amount of weight before reaching its breaking point. In doing the project, we learned that a triangle is the strongest shape. Triangles are structurally the strongest shape because they allow weight to be evenly spread throughout their sides, making them more able to support heavier loads than any other shape. When one side of a triangle is pushed from an exterior force, it cannot bend inward because of its support from the other two sides. Rather, the force of the triangle becomes stronger because each side of the triangle works together to push back against the exterior force.
This is what a marriage built on prayer looks like. Two people must be connected to one another in covenantal love to form the bottom side. However, they must each be connected to God to form the other two sides. In doing so, they become a powerful triangle that cannot be crushed from any exterior force.
Notice in the diagram the husband,
wife, and God form a perfect triangle.
Even though outer forces like
spiritual attack,
miscommunication,
and distrust attempt to
weaken the connection, the
triangle remains sturdy
because each point supports
the other by their connection
to one another. Both the
husband and wife are connected to God and they are connected to one another. When this type of connection takes place in a marriage, it is impossible to be destroyed by any exterior force. This is why a life of prayer with our spouse is so vital. Praying with our spouse is not just a good idea to try. Praying with our spouse is essential for our marriage to survive and thrive. There is a great quote from Will Smith’s character, Robert Neville in the movie I Am Legend. Quoting Bob Marley, Neville says, “The people who are trying to make this world worse are not taking a day off, how can I?” The enemy who is trying to destroy our marriages every day is not taking a day off. How can we? We cannot afford to take a break from prayer in our marriages. We must continually be walking together with our spouse and with the Lord.
So what does this look like? How do we continually talk together with our spouse and with the Lord? How does the metaphor of the triangle work practically in our marriage? I believe we need to make our home a place of worship. Just like we should enter church fellowship with an attitude of worship, we should enter our homes with an attitude of worship. And this is key; the home is not the house or apartment building, just as the church is not the building or sanctuary. Rather, the home is the covenant between husband and wife and the connection between the souls and hearts of each spouse. In that very connection, an attitude of worship needs to exist. When we go to the sanctuary to worship the Lord, we expect to meet with the Lord. We expect to pray, we expect to worship with the band, we expect to fellowship with other believers, and we expect to hear from the Word of God. In the same way, when we meet with our spouse, we should expect to pray, expect to worship together, expect to fellowship with one another, and expect to hear from God with one another. Praying with our spouse is going before the altar together as one flesh.
When Audrey and I were first married, we lived in an ideal place. We had a good-sized condo with two bedrooms and two bathrooms. We decorated our condo to match our personalities. It was familiar, it was comfortable, it was home…or so we initially thought. The honest truth is there were times I did not want to go “home” because it was a chore to me. There were times Audrey did not want to be in the condo because she and I were not in communion with one another. We soon learned that home was not the condo. Home was our connection to one another and with the Lord. If that connection was damaged, the building we had around us did not matter.
We moved out of the condo in December of 2008. During the first nine months in 2009, Audrey and I moved to 4 different locations. We did not have a house that was ours, but we still had a home, because home is our connection to one another and the Lord. Though we lived in somewhat chaotic circumstances, moving, settling, packing and moving again, we were at peace because we had a solid relationship with one another and each one of us had a strong relationship with the Lord. I believe we needed to learn this valuable lesson because there will be a time when Audrey and I have our own house that is beautiful with a lot of rooms and “stuff.” But that house will never be our home. It will merely be the physical location in which we live.
Lastly, the physical location in which we live needs to be a place of worship. Just like the sanctuary in a church building, our living areas need to be a place where we pray, worship, and fellowship with our spouse and the Lord. When we think of our living areas in such a way, we will be excited to be there. We will be intentional about inviting the Lord to join us for meals. We will acknowledge that the Lord is present in our planning. We will have peace when we face troubles of any kind. We will live a life of prayer with our spouse because we will continually walk with the Lord in every aspect of our interaction with our spouse. This makes arguing less frequent. When we have a disagreement with our spouse, we invite the Lord to be present as we work things out. For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them (Matthew 18:18).
Therefore, in everything we do, let us pray together with our spouse and invite the Lord to be present with us. Invite the Lord to be with you in your car when you and your spouse go out. Invite the Lord to dine with you at the table when you eat. Invite the Lord to give you counsel and guidance when you are working things out. Invite the Lord to give you wisdom when you make plans. Invite the Lord to continually watch over you and your household. Ask the Lord to keep you pure and holy in your thoughts and actions so you are always honoring one another. Above all, do life and Kingdom work together as one under the One Lord, Jesus Christ.
If we make an attempt to define prayer, we may begin with the idea of having a conversation with God. From this starting point, we would conclude the first person to ever pray was Adam in the Garden of Eden, and soon after him was Eve. For Adam and Eve walked with God in the garden in the cool of the day and they conversed with one another (Genesis 2:15-17, 3:8). Unfortunately, Adam and Eve invited sin to join the conversation, but sin cannot be in the presence of God. The result of dining with sin was dismissal of Adam and Eve, along with humankind, from walking in the presence of God. But praise be to God that Jesus Christ was sent to create a bridge between humankind and God so that those who have faith in Jesus Christ and live obediently to the Word can once again walk with God in the garden in the cool of the day.
So, what does it mean to live a life of prayer? I believe it means living our lives with the understanding that we are walking with God. Though we are unable to see God, our Lord is there. Though we do not hear God audibly, at least not always, God speaks to us. And though we do not always think about it, God is listening to everything we say and knows all of our thoughts. Whether we acknowledge it or not, we are constantly in the presence of God. Therefore, to live a life of prayer is to acknowledge God is with us and to be intentional about talking with God about our day, including our thoughts, our hopes, our anxieties, and everything else! In the same manner, to live a life of prayer is to listen for God’s voice throughout the day. As we talk to God, we should be listening for God’s wisdom and guidance. As we think about the things we have to do, we ought to think about how we want to ask God to walk beside us in those endeavors. Knowing God is with us makes it very difficult to ignore God. Thus, we acknowledge we speak in the presence of God, and take time to speak and listen to God. This is living a life of prayer.
When we get married, we no longer speak or listen to God alone. We speak and listen to God alongside our spouse and form a complete triad. I remember when I took physics in high school our teacher split us up into groups and we had a special project. Each group had to build a bridge with limited materials consisting of 100 grams of rectangular balsa stock (very cheap and weak pieces of wood) and glue. The objective was to make a bridge that could hold the most amount of weight before reaching its breaking point. In doing the project, we learned that a triangle is the strongest shape. Triangles are structurally the strongest shape because they allow weight to be evenly spread throughout their sides, making them more able to support heavier loads than any other shape. When one side of a triangle is pushed from an exterior force, it cannot bend inward because of its support from the other two sides. Rather, the force of the triangle becomes stronger because each side of the triangle works together to push back against the exterior force.
This is what a marriage built on prayer looks like. Two people must be connected to one another in covenantal love to form the bottom side. However, they must each be connected to God to form the other two sides. In doing so, they become a powerful triangle that cannot be crushed from any exterior force.
Notice in the diagram the husband,
wife, and God form a perfect triangle.
Even though outer forces like
spiritual attack,
miscommunication,
and distrust attempt to
weaken the connection, the
triangle remains sturdy
because each point supports
the other by their connection
to one another. Both the
husband and wife are connected to God and they are connected to one another. When this type of connection takes place in a marriage, it is impossible to be destroyed by any exterior force. This is why a life of prayer with our spouse is so vital. Praying with our spouse is not just a good idea to try. Praying with our spouse is essential for our marriage to survive and thrive. There is a great quote from Will Smith’s character, Robert Neville in the movie I Am Legend. Quoting Bob Marley, Neville says, “The people who are trying to make this world worse are not taking a day off, how can I?” The enemy who is trying to destroy our marriages every day is not taking a day off. How can we? We cannot afford to take a break from prayer in our marriages. We must continually be walking together with our spouse and with the Lord.
So what does this look like? How do we continually talk together with our spouse and with the Lord? How does the metaphor of the triangle work practically in our marriage? I believe we need to make our home a place of worship. Just like we should enter church fellowship with an attitude of worship, we should enter our homes with an attitude of worship. And this is key; the home is not the house or apartment building, just as the church is not the building or sanctuary. Rather, the home is the covenant between husband and wife and the connection between the souls and hearts of each spouse. In that very connection, an attitude of worship needs to exist. When we go to the sanctuary to worship the Lord, we expect to meet with the Lord. We expect to pray, we expect to worship with the band, we expect to fellowship with other believers, and we expect to hear from the Word of God. In the same way, when we meet with our spouse, we should expect to pray, expect to worship together, expect to fellowship with one another, and expect to hear from God with one another. Praying with our spouse is going before the altar together as one flesh.
When Audrey and I were first married, we lived in an ideal place. We had a good-sized condo with two bedrooms and two bathrooms. We decorated our condo to match our personalities. It was familiar, it was comfortable, it was home…or so we initially thought. The honest truth is there were times I did not want to go “home” because it was a chore to me. There were times Audrey did not want to be in the condo because she and I were not in communion with one another. We soon learned that home was not the condo. Home was our connection to one another and with the Lord. If that connection was damaged, the building we had around us did not matter.
We moved out of the condo in December of 2008. During the first nine months in 2009, Audrey and I moved to 4 different locations. We did not have a house that was ours, but we still had a home, because home is our connection to one another and the Lord. Though we lived in somewhat chaotic circumstances, moving, settling, packing and moving again, we were at peace because we had a solid relationship with one another and each one of us had a strong relationship with the Lord. I believe we needed to learn this valuable lesson because there will be a time when Audrey and I have our own house that is beautiful with a lot of rooms and “stuff.” But that house will never be our home. It will merely be the physical location in which we live.
Lastly, the physical location in which we live needs to be a place of worship. Just like the sanctuary in a church building, our living areas need to be a place where we pray, worship, and fellowship with our spouse and the Lord. When we think of our living areas in such a way, we will be excited to be there. We will be intentional about inviting the Lord to join us for meals. We will acknowledge that the Lord is present in our planning. We will have peace when we face troubles of any kind. We will live a life of prayer with our spouse because we will continually walk with the Lord in every aspect of our interaction with our spouse. This makes arguing less frequent. When we have a disagreement with our spouse, we invite the Lord to be present as we work things out. For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them (Matthew 18:18).
Therefore, in everything we do, let us pray together with our spouse and invite the Lord to be present with us. Invite the Lord to be with you in your car when you and your spouse go out. Invite the Lord to dine with you at the table when you eat. Invite the Lord to give you counsel and guidance when you are working things out. Invite the Lord to give you wisdom when you make plans. Invite the Lord to continually watch over you and your household. Ask the Lord to keep you pure and holy in your thoughts and actions so you are always honoring one another. Above all, do life and Kingdom work together as one under the One Lord, Jesus Christ.
Monday, May 3, 2010
keeping happiness in your marriage
As a Pre-Marital counselor I get to see the joy all newly engaged couples as they meet with me in my office. I have a good friend who got engaged a few weeks ago. No one can miss the smile on her face, it lights up the room. It's contagious. It shows happiness of being in love.
If you have been married for a while now, here is my question...Do you remember those days? Can you remember the smile you had on your face when she said yes or when he asked you to marry him? Do you remember the smile you wore when you were first married? Remember “back in the day” when the happiness in your marriage was contagious to all your friends and family?
Life rolls forward at a quick rate, though, doesn't it? Jobs happen. Kids happen. Stress happens. How do you keep the happy in your marriage? Take some time, don't wait for time to happen, take it and remember the good times – then recreate them with your spouse.
Go to the beach and splash each other in the waves. Go to the movies and throw popcorn at each other. Recreate your first date (which for me involved going on a walk, getting sushi, and talking for hours). Whatever you do – make the time, spend the money, and give your spouse a happy trip down the memory lane of your marriage. This is how you will keep happiness in your marriage. This is how your marriage will survive and thrive.
If you have been married for a while now, here is my question...Do you remember those days? Can you remember the smile you had on your face when she said yes or when he asked you to marry him? Do you remember the smile you wore when you were first married? Remember “back in the day” when the happiness in your marriage was contagious to all your friends and family?
Life rolls forward at a quick rate, though, doesn't it? Jobs happen. Kids happen. Stress happens. How do you keep the happy in your marriage? Take some time, don't wait for time to happen, take it and remember the good times – then recreate them with your spouse.
Go to the beach and splash each other in the waves. Go to the movies and throw popcorn at each other. Recreate your first date (which for me involved going on a walk, getting sushi, and talking for hours). Whatever you do – make the time, spend the money, and give your spouse a happy trip down the memory lane of your marriage. This is how you will keep happiness in your marriage. This is how your marriage will survive and thrive.
Monday, April 26, 2010
helpful quote
"If you want to have a great relationship, the way you handle differences matters more than what those differences are." - Fighting for your Marriage pg. 28
Thursday, April 8, 2010
steps to forgiveness
As two people in a covenant with one another, a married couple is required to offer forgiveness. Sometimes, even though the person who caused the offense may have genuinely asked for forgiveness, the person offended must go through a process before forgiveness can be complete - in this case forgiveness begins with the offended seeking healing and grace from God. The offended person must be filled to overflowing and out of the overflow of God's grace get to a place in his or her heart where they can genuinely let go of any negative emotions as a result of the offense and release the offender from their debt. On a side note, this does not mean the offended person is required to put him or herself in a position to be hurt again by the offender, nor does it take away the responsibility of the offender to own up to his or her actions to seek forgiveness (this is in the case the offender is unwilling to admit to the offense or seek forgiveness).
The following are two helpful lists I found from the book Fighting for your Marriage. I have used this book to lead our marriage group, and use it in my pre-marital counseling sessions. The first list deals with regaining trust, the second with the process of forgiveness.
Regaining Trust
1. Trust builds slowly over time: "Trust builds as you gain confidence in someone being there for you. Deep trust comes only fro seeing that your partner is there fore you over time."
2. Trust has the greatest chance to be rebuilt when each partner takes appropriate responsibility: "It's easier to trust when you can clearly see your partner's dedication to you."
Steps to Forgiveness
1. Schedule a couple meeting for discussing the specific issue related to forgiveness
2. Set the agenda to work on the issue in question
3. Fully explore the pain and concerns related to the issue for both of you
4. The offender asks for forgiveness
5. The offended agrees to forgive
6. If applicable, the offender makes a positive commitment to change recurrent patterns or attitudes that give offense
7. Expect it to take time
Final note:
Do NOT forget...you must forgive yourself too
The following are two helpful lists I found from the book Fighting for your Marriage. I have used this book to lead our marriage group, and use it in my pre-marital counseling sessions. The first list deals with regaining trust, the second with the process of forgiveness.
Regaining Trust
1. Trust builds slowly over time: "Trust builds as you gain confidence in someone being there for you. Deep trust comes only fro seeing that your partner is there fore you over time."
2. Trust has the greatest chance to be rebuilt when each partner takes appropriate responsibility: "It's easier to trust when you can clearly see your partner's dedication to you."
Steps to Forgiveness
1. Schedule a couple meeting for discussing the specific issue related to forgiveness
2. Set the agenda to work on the issue in question
3. Fully explore the pain and concerns related to the issue for both of you
4. The offender asks for forgiveness
5. The offended agrees to forgive
6. If applicable, the offender makes a positive commitment to change recurrent patterns or attitudes that give offense
7. Expect it to take time
Final note:
Do NOT forget...you must forgive yourself too
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
article on cohabitation and the effect on marriage
By: David H. Olson & Amy K. Olson-Sigg
There are now over 5.1 million heterosexual couples cohabiting in the United States (U.S. Census Bureau, 2006), which is a tenfold increase from 1970 when only 500,000 couples were cohabiting.
According to the renowned demographer Larry Bumpass, the current rate of cohabitation before marriage is nearly 70%. This means that for 70% of young people, their first couple experience is cohabitation rather than marriage. About half of cohabitating couples either marry or break up after 2 years of cohabitation (Kennedy and Bumpass, 2007).
Of the cohabiting couples that have recently married, 58% lived with their partner before marriage and 14% of those had also lived with someone else other than the person they married (Kennedy and Bumpass, 2007).
Using data on premarital couples who took PREPARE-ENRICH in 2006, about 40% of premarital couples had cohabited with their partner before marriage (Olson, 2007). This finding is based on a national sample of over 50,000 premarital couples who took PREPARE, PREPARE-MC and PREPARE-CC. The percentage of cohabiting couples varied by inventory: 100% for PREPARE-CC; 30% for PREPARE and 44% for those who took PREPARE-MC. The rate of 40% cohabiting with partner is lower than the national average of 58% because many couples taking PREPARE are married in a church setting and it is the first marriage for most of them.
It appears that the rate of cohabitation will continue to increase. In a representative national survey, 66% of high school senior boy’s and 61% of girls indicated that they “agreed” or “mostly agreed” with the statement, “It is usually a good idea for a couple to live together before getting married in order to find out whether they really get along” (Bachman, Johnston & O’Malley, 2001).
Why has the rate of cohabitation increased so rapidly?
Given the predominant rates of cohabitation, it is difficult to believe that only 30 years ago living together for unmarried heterosexual couples was both illegal and considered immoral. This revolutionary change in attitude can be attributed to several factors:
• The delaying of first marriages until older with the median age for females 25 years and 27 for males (U.S. Bureau of the Census, 2000).
• A decline in Americans who choose to marry, more than 1/3 from 1970-1996 (U.S. Bureau of the Census, 2000).
• The sexual revolution has reduced some of the stigma attached to cohabitation. The
saturation of sexuality within the entertainment industry and the media has greatly
contributed to this change.
• Concern over the continuing high rate of divorce has led couples to seek a weaker form of union with less commitment to life long marriage (The State of Our Union, 2000).
What reasons do couples give for cohabiting?
With the increasing number of years that most young adults are single and the growing social acceptance of cohabitation, couples report several common reasons for cohabiting.
• Economic advantages: “We can save money by sharing living expenses.”
• Time together: “We are able to spend more time together.”
• Increased intimacy: “We have more opportunities to share sexual and emotional intimacy without getting married.”
• Less complicated dissolution: “If the relationship doesn’t work out, there is no messy divorce.”
• “Testing” compatibility: “Living together enables us to better learn about each other’s habits and character and see how we operate together day-to-day.”
• Trial Marriage: “We are planning to marry soon.”
How are Cohabiters different from married couples?
There are several characteristics that distinguish cohabiters from married couples and they include the following:
1. Cohabiting couples have lower levels of personal happiness and higher rates of depression than married couples (Waite & Gallagher, 2000).
2. Cohabiters value independence more than married partners and have more individual freedom (Waite & Gallagher, 2000).
3. Cohabiters are less likely to be supportive financially of one another than are married partners (Waite & Gallagher, 2000).
4. Cohabiters have more negative attitudes about marriage than non-cohabiters (Axinn &
Barber, 1997).
What are some characteristics of couples that cohabit?
• On PREPARE & ENRICH, cohabiting couples have significantly lower scores on most
categories (Olson, 2001).
• Couples living together have the lowest level of premarital satisfaction when compared to other living arrangements (Stewart & Olson, 1990; Olson, 2001).
• Marriages preceded by cohabitation are more likely to end in divorce (Popenoe &
Whitehead, 1999).
• Cohabiters have lower scores than non-cohabiters on religious behaviors, personal faith,
church attendance and joint religious activities (Thorton, A., Axinn, W.G. & Hill, D.H.,
1992).
• Married couples that cohabitated prior to marriage have poorer communication skills in discussing problems than couples that did not cohabit (Cohan & Kleinbaum, 2000).
• Cohabiting couples are less sexually committed or trustworthy (Waite & Gallagher,
2000).
• Cohabiting males are less involved in housework and childrearing (Waite & Gallagher,
2000).
• Cohabiting increases the risk of couple abuse and, if there are children, child abuse
(Thompson, Hanson & McLanahan, 1994).
Does Cohabitation Contribute to Marital Failure?
Most research has focused on cohabitation’s negative effect on a future marriage.
The following are two possible explanations:
Lack of Commitment to Marriage:
One explanation is that while the basis for marriage is a strong ethic of commitment,
cohabiting couples are much more oriented toward their own personal autonomy and are more willing to terminate the relationship. It is easy to speculate that once this low-commitment, high autonomy pattern of relating is learned, it becomes hard to change (National Marriage Project, 2000).
Inability to Make Decision about Marriage:
Cohabitation reflects uncertainty. As professor Pepper Schwartz explains, “I think there is something in the experience of cohabitation that makes it hard to know when is the time to make a choice, to change one way of living for another, and to say, yes, this person… is the one for me” (Schwartz, 2000).
Is cohabiting a good way to prepare for marriage?
Generally not. The social science evidence suggests that living together is not a good way to prepare for marriage or to avoid divorce. In fact, virtually all the major studies have shown a higher divorce rate among couples that cohabited before marriage than those who did not. No positive contribution of cohabitation to a successful marriage has been found to date.
It is important to note that cohabiting that is within 3-6 months before marriage is different from cohabiting as an alternative to marriage. If a couple cohabits a few months before the wedding and if each partner has had no prior cohabitation experience and no children, then the adverse effects are not strongly supported in research (Popenoe & Whitehead, 1999).
What is a good way to prepare for marriage?
The PREPARE-CC Program is one effective way to build a stronger and happier marriage. Our recent PREPARE Outcome Study (Knutson & Olson 2003) demonstrated the value for couples in taking the PREPARE Inventory and having 4-5 feedback sessions using the Six Couple Exercises. Couples significantly improved their couple satisfaction and their relationship type (the PREPARE Program increased Vitalized couples by 52% and decreased Conflicted couples by 83%).
PREPARE-CC (Cohabiting Couples)
Clearly, cohabiting couples have common traits that distinguish them from premarital
couples that are not living together. For this reason, we have developed a version of
PREPARE and some of the features include:
• Items are designed to help couples understand and focus on issues related to cohabiting.
• 50 new items—30% different than PREPARE.
• Background questions ask about family and other relative’s feelings about their cohabiting.
• New Category called Cohabitation Issues--10 new items.
• Two-three new items across all PREPARE categories.
• New Items in PREPARE—CC: You can use this handout to ensure that you have covered all the relevant issues.
REFERENCES:
The following are some excellent resources about cohabitation:
Bahmann, J.G., Johnsont, L.D., & O’Malley, P.M. (2001). Monitoring the Future: Questionnaire responses from the nation’s high school seniors, 2000. Ann Arbor, MI: Institute for Social Research, Univ of Michigan. Center for Marriage and Family. (December, 2000). Time, sex and money. The first five years of marriage. Creighton University, Omaha, NE.
Kennedy, S. & Bumpass, L. (2007). Cohabitation and children’s living arrangements: New estimates from the United States. Unpublished manuscript. Madison, WI: Center for
Demography, University of Wisconsin.
Larson, J. (2000). The verdict on cohabitation vs. marriage. Marriage & Families, 7-12.
Popenoe, D. & Whitehead, B. (1999). Should we live together? What young adults need to
know about cohabitation before marriage. The National Marriage Project, New Brunswick, NJ.
Popenoe, D. & Whitehead, B. (2000). The state of our unions 2000: The social health of
marriage in America. The National Marriage Project, New Brunswick, NJ.
Waite, L. & Gallagher, M. (2000). The case for marriage: Why married people are happier, healthier and better off financially. New York: Doubleday.
There are now over 5.1 million heterosexual couples cohabiting in the United States (U.S. Census Bureau, 2006), which is a tenfold increase from 1970 when only 500,000 couples were cohabiting.
According to the renowned demographer Larry Bumpass, the current rate of cohabitation before marriage is nearly 70%. This means that for 70% of young people, their first couple experience is cohabitation rather than marriage. About half of cohabitating couples either marry or break up after 2 years of cohabitation (Kennedy and Bumpass, 2007).
Of the cohabiting couples that have recently married, 58% lived with their partner before marriage and 14% of those had also lived with someone else other than the person they married (Kennedy and Bumpass, 2007).
Using data on premarital couples who took PREPARE-ENRICH in 2006, about 40% of premarital couples had cohabited with their partner before marriage (Olson, 2007). This finding is based on a national sample of over 50,000 premarital couples who took PREPARE, PREPARE-MC and PREPARE-CC. The percentage of cohabiting couples varied by inventory: 100% for PREPARE-CC; 30% for PREPARE and 44% for those who took PREPARE-MC. The rate of 40% cohabiting with partner is lower than the national average of 58% because many couples taking PREPARE are married in a church setting and it is the first marriage for most of them.
It appears that the rate of cohabitation will continue to increase. In a representative national survey, 66% of high school senior boy’s and 61% of girls indicated that they “agreed” or “mostly agreed” with the statement, “It is usually a good idea for a couple to live together before getting married in order to find out whether they really get along” (Bachman, Johnston & O’Malley, 2001).
Why has the rate of cohabitation increased so rapidly?
Given the predominant rates of cohabitation, it is difficult to believe that only 30 years ago living together for unmarried heterosexual couples was both illegal and considered immoral. This revolutionary change in attitude can be attributed to several factors:
• The delaying of first marriages until older with the median age for females 25 years and 27 for males (U.S. Bureau of the Census, 2000).
• A decline in Americans who choose to marry, more than 1/3 from 1970-1996 (U.S. Bureau of the Census, 2000).
• The sexual revolution has reduced some of the stigma attached to cohabitation. The
saturation of sexuality within the entertainment industry and the media has greatly
contributed to this change.
• Concern over the continuing high rate of divorce has led couples to seek a weaker form of union with less commitment to life long marriage (The State of Our Union, 2000).
What reasons do couples give for cohabiting?
With the increasing number of years that most young adults are single and the growing social acceptance of cohabitation, couples report several common reasons for cohabiting.
• Economic advantages: “We can save money by sharing living expenses.”
• Time together: “We are able to spend more time together.”
• Increased intimacy: “We have more opportunities to share sexual and emotional intimacy without getting married.”
• Less complicated dissolution: “If the relationship doesn’t work out, there is no messy divorce.”
• “Testing” compatibility: “Living together enables us to better learn about each other’s habits and character and see how we operate together day-to-day.”
• Trial Marriage: “We are planning to marry soon.”
How are Cohabiters different from married couples?
There are several characteristics that distinguish cohabiters from married couples and they include the following:
1. Cohabiting couples have lower levels of personal happiness and higher rates of depression than married couples (Waite & Gallagher, 2000).
2. Cohabiters value independence more than married partners and have more individual freedom (Waite & Gallagher, 2000).
3. Cohabiters are less likely to be supportive financially of one another than are married partners (Waite & Gallagher, 2000).
4. Cohabiters have more negative attitudes about marriage than non-cohabiters (Axinn &
Barber, 1997).
What are some characteristics of couples that cohabit?
• On PREPARE & ENRICH, cohabiting couples have significantly lower scores on most
categories (Olson, 2001).
• Couples living together have the lowest level of premarital satisfaction when compared to other living arrangements (Stewart & Olson, 1990; Olson, 2001).
• Marriages preceded by cohabitation are more likely to end in divorce (Popenoe &
Whitehead, 1999).
• Cohabiters have lower scores than non-cohabiters on religious behaviors, personal faith,
church attendance and joint religious activities (Thorton, A., Axinn, W.G. & Hill, D.H.,
1992).
• Married couples that cohabitated prior to marriage have poorer communication skills in discussing problems than couples that did not cohabit (Cohan & Kleinbaum, 2000).
• Cohabiting couples are less sexually committed or trustworthy (Waite & Gallagher,
2000).
• Cohabiting males are less involved in housework and childrearing (Waite & Gallagher,
2000).
• Cohabiting increases the risk of couple abuse and, if there are children, child abuse
(Thompson, Hanson & McLanahan, 1994).
Does Cohabitation Contribute to Marital Failure?
Most research has focused on cohabitation’s negative effect on a future marriage.
The following are two possible explanations:
Lack of Commitment to Marriage:
One explanation is that while the basis for marriage is a strong ethic of commitment,
cohabiting couples are much more oriented toward their own personal autonomy and are more willing to terminate the relationship. It is easy to speculate that once this low-commitment, high autonomy pattern of relating is learned, it becomes hard to change (National Marriage Project, 2000).
Inability to Make Decision about Marriage:
Cohabitation reflects uncertainty. As professor Pepper Schwartz explains, “I think there is something in the experience of cohabitation that makes it hard to know when is the time to make a choice, to change one way of living for another, and to say, yes, this person… is the one for me” (Schwartz, 2000).
Is cohabiting a good way to prepare for marriage?
Generally not. The social science evidence suggests that living together is not a good way to prepare for marriage or to avoid divorce. In fact, virtually all the major studies have shown a higher divorce rate among couples that cohabited before marriage than those who did not. No positive contribution of cohabitation to a successful marriage has been found to date.
It is important to note that cohabiting that is within 3-6 months before marriage is different from cohabiting as an alternative to marriage. If a couple cohabits a few months before the wedding and if each partner has had no prior cohabitation experience and no children, then the adverse effects are not strongly supported in research (Popenoe & Whitehead, 1999).
What is a good way to prepare for marriage?
The PREPARE-CC Program is one effective way to build a stronger and happier marriage. Our recent PREPARE Outcome Study (Knutson & Olson 2003) demonstrated the value for couples in taking the PREPARE Inventory and having 4-5 feedback sessions using the Six Couple Exercises. Couples significantly improved their couple satisfaction and their relationship type (the PREPARE Program increased Vitalized couples by 52% and decreased Conflicted couples by 83%).
PREPARE-CC (Cohabiting Couples)
Clearly, cohabiting couples have common traits that distinguish them from premarital
couples that are not living together. For this reason, we have developed a version of
PREPARE and some of the features include:
• Items are designed to help couples understand and focus on issues related to cohabiting.
• 50 new items—30% different than PREPARE.
• Background questions ask about family and other relative’s feelings about their cohabiting.
• New Category called Cohabitation Issues--10 new items.
• Two-three new items across all PREPARE categories.
• New Items in PREPARE—CC: You can use this handout to ensure that you have covered all the relevant issues.
REFERENCES:
The following are some excellent resources about cohabitation:
Bahmann, J.G., Johnsont, L.D., & O’Malley, P.M. (2001). Monitoring the Future: Questionnaire responses from the nation’s high school seniors, 2000. Ann Arbor, MI: Institute for Social Research, Univ of Michigan. Center for Marriage and Family. (December, 2000). Time, sex and money. The first five years of marriage. Creighton University, Omaha, NE.
Kennedy, S. & Bumpass, L. (2007). Cohabitation and children’s living arrangements: New estimates from the United States. Unpublished manuscript. Madison, WI: Center for
Demography, University of Wisconsin.
Larson, J. (2000). The verdict on cohabitation vs. marriage. Marriage & Families, 7-12.
Popenoe, D. & Whitehead, B. (1999). Should we live together? What young adults need to
know about cohabitation before marriage. The National Marriage Project, New Brunswick, NJ.
Popenoe, D. & Whitehead, B. (2000). The state of our unions 2000: The social health of
marriage in America. The National Marriage Project, New Brunswick, NJ.
Waite, L. & Gallagher, M. (2000). The case for marriage: Why married people are happier, healthier and better off financially. New York: Doubleday.
Monday, March 29, 2010
3 daily practices
I was reading a short article on three things a couple can practice daily to help nurture their marriage and increase mutual joy and affection. Without regurgitating the entire article, I will lay out the three daily practices:
1. Tell your spouse one reason why you appreciate him or her every day.
2. Exemplify honesty and integrity in your relationship - this includes how you think throughout the day, the choices you make, and the conversations you have. Are you honoring your spouse in those areas?
3. Begin and end the day with a good conversation. It doesn't have to be long, but begin and end on a high note, even if it is just "You are amazing and I am thankful for you, good night."
These three daily practices can help you cultivate an environment of trust and safety in your marriage. They are not difficult to incorporate in your day, and the benefits are well worth the effort.
1. Tell your spouse one reason why you appreciate him or her every day.
2. Exemplify honesty and integrity in your relationship - this includes how you think throughout the day, the choices you make, and the conversations you have. Are you honoring your spouse in those areas?
3. Begin and end the day with a good conversation. It doesn't have to be long, but begin and end on a high note, even if it is just "You are amazing and I am thankful for you, good night."
These three daily practices can help you cultivate an environment of trust and safety in your marriage. They are not difficult to incorporate in your day, and the benefits are well worth the effort.
Monday, February 22, 2010
helpful communication lesson
When going back and forth with your spouse, whether in a discussion, disagreement, argument, or basic communication - try to incorporate the following four steps - make it a goal for these steps to be the natural way you process words and actions from another person.
Hear what is said (download information)
Interpret what you heard
Reflect (Ask clarifying Questions)
React Accordingly
-Don’t jump from Hearing to Reacting
-When in doubt ask clarifying questions (maybe he/she didn’t mean what you think)
-React in Humility
-If Humility is not an option at the time – cool off (take some time) before conversing
Hear what is said (download information)
Interpret what you heard
Reflect (Ask clarifying Questions)
React Accordingly
-Don’t jump from Hearing to Reacting
-When in doubt ask clarifying questions (maybe he/she didn’t mean what you think)
-React in Humility
-If Humility is not an option at the time – cool off (take some time) before conversing
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